Well. As you all can probably tel. This whole blog thing has been kinda new for the ol' BAMF.
But I am stepping up my game.
This week I will be posting some WILD shit people.
I have been tapped to participate in a Combat Search, Evasion, and Rescue exercise with the 20th Special Forces Group.
What the hell is that you ask? Well, they are going to drop me someplace I am "unfamiliar with". I will have NO map. No GPS. Not even a compass. I will have all the standard combat gear an Army Ranger usually has, with one exception. NO rifle. I will, however, have a sidearm. It will be armed with "simunitions". Those mother-fuckers are REAL bullets with a plastic, paint-filled tip. All of you vaginas that play paintball...this is NOT for you.
I will have to make it to "safety" which will be some given point on planet earth...without being CAUGHT or KILLED. Now, they wont actually kill me. But those are GREEN BERETS people. They are GOOD at what they do. They will have RIFLES armed with simunition rounds. THey can engage me from 300+ METERS away. (Thats a LONG LONG LONG way people)
And here's the kicker.
Ol' BAMF is taking his camera. As in video. can I get a woot?
Stay tuned for details.
Lets hope I survive this.
Cheers,
-The BAMF
17 November 2008
11 November 2008
Veterans Day
In memory of the 12 who didn't make it back with me.
And those still there...
Never forgotten.
-The BAMF
07 November 2008
Someone out there thinks like I do.
Ok, I am not posting ANYTHING about the election. My Democratic friends, I congratulate you.
But someone sent this to me...and its too funny not to post.
I didn't write it...
BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maine-iac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine ]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America .
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
Oh, so funny.
For real. I'm done. We can all hold hands and sing songs now.
=)
-The BAMF
But someone sent this to me...and its too funny not to post.
I didn't write it...
BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maine-iac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine ]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America .
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
Oh, so funny.
For real. I'm done. We can all hold hands and sing songs now.
=)
-The BAMF
06 November 2008
28 October 2008
You silly Democrats...and Republicans. Wait, what?
Ok people. This "election fever" has driven me to the point of insanity.
I can't even just go to work without someone wanting to talk politics. I can't be in PUBLIC in my uniform without someone asking my opinion on who to vote for. TAKE NOTE PEOPLE. If we are IN uniform...WE CANNOT FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!
I'm sick of the news. FoxNews...you included. I'm sick of the commercials. Even the stupid local election ones. If you are running for Alderman...honestly, go fuck yourself. I don't care. Stop annoying me during my episode of House. Have fun arguing with the local school-board. I have real-world shit to deal with, like which socks to wear with my running shoes.
Look people. We are in not one, but 2...as in TWO, wars that are inter-connected in this whole Global War on Terrorism thing. The economy? It blows. Education? Don't get me started. Immigration? We might just start shooting folks. The list of issues is out of control. Its hard-times people.
And you know what? Barack Obama CANNOT fix it. John McCain (God I love him, but...) CANNOT fix it. Not overnight.
Work with me here people...
On November 4th, we get a new President. A new Commander-in-Chief for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. Guess what people?! On November 5th...NOTHING CHANGES!
If John McCain gets elected:
The terrorists will NOT just suddenly say? "You know what? I don't really WANT those 72 Virgins" and just go back to hearding goats. The budget won't balance itself. The national debt will not just reset itself to zero because another Republican is the President-elect. The Yankees will still suck at life. Osama bin Laden will still be in his damn cave in Pakistan. American children will still be half-retarded. And cancer will not magically cure itself.
If Barack Obama gets elected:
Michael Jackson will not just suddenly admit he likes little boys. The Mexicans won't just say..."Oh Fuck America...I LOVE Mexico. I think I'll stay here". Windows Vista won't just magically fix itself. The HIV virus will not run from mankind back into the rainforest. All the puppies in the pound won't magically get adopted. People will still be starving all over the planet. And no, OJ Simpson won't just say "Yeah, I killed that bitch...so what?!"
I know we all love our candidates. But come on people. I don't see Jesus on the ballot. (Or Buddha, or any other God-type figure)
Hunker down folks...its not going to instantly get better.
Oh, and don't be a shithead. VOTE.
-The BAMF
Oh...and there is NO WAY you can watch this all the way through and not die laughing.
Enjoy.
I can't even just go to work without someone wanting to talk politics. I can't be in PUBLIC in my uniform without someone asking my opinion on who to vote for. TAKE NOTE PEOPLE. If we are IN uniform...WE CANNOT FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!
I'm sick of the news. FoxNews...you included. I'm sick of the commercials. Even the stupid local election ones. If you are running for Alderman...honestly, go fuck yourself. I don't care. Stop annoying me during my episode of House. Have fun arguing with the local school-board. I have real-world shit to deal with, like which socks to wear with my running shoes.
Look people. We are in not one, but 2...as in TWO, wars that are inter-connected in this whole Global War on Terrorism thing. The economy? It blows. Education? Don't get me started. Immigration? We might just start shooting folks. The list of issues is out of control. Its hard-times people.
And you know what? Barack Obama CANNOT fix it. John McCain (God I love him, but...) CANNOT fix it. Not overnight.
Work with me here people...
On November 4th, we get a new President. A new Commander-in-Chief for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. Guess what people?! On November 5th...NOTHING CHANGES!
If John McCain gets elected:
The terrorists will NOT just suddenly say? "You know what? I don't really WANT those 72 Virgins" and just go back to hearding goats. The budget won't balance itself. The national debt will not just reset itself to zero because another Republican is the President-elect. The Yankees will still suck at life. Osama bin Laden will still be in his damn cave in Pakistan. American children will still be half-retarded. And cancer will not magically cure itself.
If Barack Obama gets elected:
Michael Jackson will not just suddenly admit he likes little boys. The Mexicans won't just say..."Oh Fuck America...I LOVE Mexico. I think I'll stay here". Windows Vista won't just magically fix itself. The HIV virus will not run from mankind back into the rainforest. All the puppies in the pound won't magically get adopted. People will still be starving all over the planet. And no, OJ Simpson won't just say "Yeah, I killed that bitch...so what?!"
I know we all love our candidates. But come on people. I don't see Jesus on the ballot. (Or Buddha, or any other God-type figure)
Hunker down folks...its not going to instantly get better.
Oh, and don't be a shithead. VOTE.
-The BAMF
Oh...and there is NO WAY you can watch this all the way through and not die laughing.
Enjoy.
22 October 2008
Tagged damnit...
Ok, my good friend Elle challenged all of us who read her blog to tell her 6 things she may not know about us.
Elle, you have known me since I was like 17. Ummm...none of this will be a newsflash for you.
The rest of you...yes I know I will probably burn in hell for some of these things.
So here we go...
1. I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head. Just get the hell out of my way. And NO, senior citizens are NOT exempt. Who the hell let you out of the nursing home?
2. I like Grey's Anatomy. There. I said it. No, I'm NOT gay..in fact, it was a certain lady-friend of mine who actually introduced me to the show. Now...I'm addicted. So there. Tell your friends a straight man does exist on planet earth who likes that show.
3. I'm from the "South"...but when compared to my friends...I DON'T have the southern accent. I know, I know...I don't know its possible. But I have a small one. I wish I had more of one...maybe the ladies would like it? Perhaps? In the meantime I blame education.
4. I almost joined the Air Force. Yes, yes. I said that too. I was researching what branch I wanted to join. And then it came to me. If I am going to DO this...damnit I am going to DO it. I'm not going to ride a desk (like 99% of the US Air Force) and I hate boats, so that ruled out the Navy. Marines are retarded. SO...Army it was. And I have loved every second of it. Even the whole getting shot part. What?
5. I'm quite domestic. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. My apartment is cleaner than anyone else I know. I blame my Mom. She taught me well.
6. I was a complete and total DORK until about 2001-2. Seriously. If you KNEW me in high school. Oh my. I was quite possibly one of the biggest dorks I knew. But hey, thats how I rolled.
There you go. Thats all I could come up with on short notice.
In the words of Dave Chapelle. "Its a celebration. Enjoy yourselves, bitches".
Out here,
the BAMF
Elle, you have known me since I was like 17. Ummm...none of this will be a newsflash for you.
The rest of you...yes I know I will probably burn in hell for some of these things.
So here we go...
1. I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head. Just get the hell out of my way. And NO, senior citizens are NOT exempt. Who the hell let you out of the nursing home?
2. I like Grey's Anatomy. There. I said it. No, I'm NOT gay..in fact, it was a certain lady-friend of mine who actually introduced me to the show. Now...I'm addicted. So there. Tell your friends a straight man does exist on planet earth who likes that show.
3. I'm from the "South"...but when compared to my friends...I DON'T have the southern accent. I know, I know...I don't know its possible. But I have a small one. I wish I had more of one...maybe the ladies would like it? Perhaps? In the meantime I blame education.
4. I almost joined the Air Force. Yes, yes. I said that too. I was researching what branch I wanted to join. And then it came to me. If I am going to DO this...damnit I am going to DO it. I'm not going to ride a desk (like 99% of the US Air Force) and I hate boats, so that ruled out the Navy. Marines are retarded. SO...Army it was. And I have loved every second of it. Even the whole getting shot part. What?
5. I'm quite domestic. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. My apartment is cleaner than anyone else I know. I blame my Mom. She taught me well.
6. I was a complete and total DORK until about 2001-2. Seriously. If you KNEW me in high school. Oh my. I was quite possibly one of the biggest dorks I knew. But hey, thats how I rolled.
There you go. Thats all I could come up with on short notice.
In the words of Dave Chapelle. "Its a celebration. Enjoy yourselves, bitches".
Out here,
the BAMF
Friday Night Chaos
Oh have I got a story for you people. I STILL (like 4 days later) cannot believe this actually happened to me.
So here we go...
The Set-up...
It was Friday night...and I wanted to (hold your breath) GO TO THE BAR. And it just so happens my favorite bar on planet earth is here. The Veranda. It makes me very, very happy. The owner is a personal friend of mine...several friends work there...I could not think of a better place to hang out.
I get all purdy...hop in my car about 8:30 PM and I start off down BlackJack Rd from my house towards the bar.
I only get about 2 miles (half-way there!) and the absolutely retarded happens...
A pedestrian gets hit by a mother fucking car. Right there in front of me. Boom.
And we are just talking...ow. This little Asian man got SMOKED by a Toyota 4 Runner.
Now, being in the Army...let's just say the ol' BAMF has had ALOT of medical training. Trauma is my thing people. SO, I just let the reflexes take over...swerve off the side of the road...jump out INTO fucking traffic..and before I know it...I'm the "first responder". In ANY OTHER PLACE but Mississippi, the story would end right here.
But ooooooooh no. Welcome to honky-town people. Here we go.
I slide onto the ground next to the victim. He's breathing and has a very strong pulse (hooray). But this man has a serious head-laceration and is bleeding all over the place. This is how my pants were destroyed. And he's out cold. Ater all, this guy introduced his face to the hood of the FourRunner and then to the pavement.
I'm concerned about spinal injury, so I DON'T move him. Duh. Now...all the sudden some douche-bag in an UnderArmor hoodie runs up next to me and identifies himself as an Air Force Medic. Hold the fucking press people. Guess what? The United States Air Force does not have "medics". They have some assorted medical jobs...dental technicians, maybe a few other here and there...but they do NOT have Medics. I mean...for what? Its the Air Force. When is the last time someone died from a papercut? And THEN he says "LETS ROLL HIM OVER!".
Now the BAMF bullshit card comes out. In my most "I will kill your fucking family"-voice I say...
"Get the fuck out of here kid. Thats the last thing I want to do right now, you could kill this guy. If you were actually a medic you would fucking know that. The next time you are going to lie and attempt to be a hero, at least get a fucking haircut so I might at least half-way believe you. Now get the fuck out of here."
He looked like I had torn the head off of his puppy dog right there in front of him. Needless to say, he promptly left the scene.
Before I can blink...the driver of the 4Runner is out of the car. This guy is EASILY 6'4" and 250 pounds. A BEAST of a man. And he is crying hysterically. Like a freaking 3 year old child. Whoa tiger.
Thankfully, 2 girls arrive on scene as well. One is dressed in head to toe black and the other in pink. They ask me what I can do to help. Its NIGHT, so chick in the black needs to be OUT of the road. I tell her to talk to the driver and calm him down. By this point he has called 911 and is STILL flipping his shit. Girl in the pink? Literally just STAND next to me. I am crouched in the middle of the road here...you get to play road cone. That way I don't become a victim.
The actual victim decides to wake up. I spin around, identify myself, and tell him NOT to move. All he can say is "Ok John." (Yes, that's my name) He doesn't speak the best English. Great...it gets better.
Now the ambulance drives up. Good news you say? Oh no no no. Enter the "toothless Mississippi Paramedics". Remember, the victim does not speak English.
One paramedic rushes to the victim, the other to me. I explain...and I quote...
"Hey, I'm an Army Medic. This guy is about 50 years old. Sustained a nasty head injury and has multiple lacerations on his face and scalp. I'm concerned about a neck injury. He may also have some other broken bones. I haven't moved him. He was unconscious when I arrived on scene...now he's awake and alert. He doesn't speak much English" (sounds professional right?)
The response...
(wildly honky accent) "Awlrighty then siiir. We gunna take realll nice care o'em."
I then noticed...forget the victim..THIS motherfucker doesn't have any teeth. Oh this is going to be great.
I turn around to see what his partner in crime is doing to the victim. He is SCREAMING at this poor asian man. Look, if someone doesn't speak English...YELLING at them in ENGLISH does not help your cause.
"Awwwlrighty siiir. I'm gunna put this here coller around yer neck. Its gunna keep yur neck bones real nice n' straight"
(Wow)
The victim looks at me in sheer panic. I just smile and give him a thumbs up. He says "Ok John"
The paramedic, oblivious to anything, says "No siiirreee, My names Earl..I'ma git you to a hospital"
"We're gunna strap ya to this here backboard. Its called a backboard. Its gonna keep yer back bones all nice too."
(Holy fucking shit. I am actually LAUGHING at this point)
I look down...I am COVERED in this old man's blood. Yay. So the Police arrive...take my statement, take my information, etc. And at least THEY were halfway competent.
I go home...tear off my pants. (Hey, it NEVER happens any other way) and change...and then go to the Veranda and proceed to get te-rarded. (thats WORSE than retarded)
Oh Friday nights in Mississippi...how I will miss you.
Out here,
the BAMF
So here we go...
The Set-up...
It was Friday night...and I wanted to (hold your breath) GO TO THE BAR. And it just so happens my favorite bar on planet earth is here. The Veranda. It makes me very, very happy. The owner is a personal friend of mine...several friends work there...I could not think of a better place to hang out.
I get all purdy...hop in my car about 8:30 PM and I start off down BlackJack Rd from my house towards the bar.
I only get about 2 miles (half-way there!) and the absolutely retarded happens...
A pedestrian gets hit by a mother fucking car. Right there in front of me. Boom.
And we are just talking...ow. This little Asian man got SMOKED by a Toyota 4 Runner.
Now, being in the Army...let's just say the ol' BAMF has had ALOT of medical training. Trauma is my thing people. SO, I just let the reflexes take over...swerve off the side of the road...jump out INTO fucking traffic..and before I know it...I'm the "first responder". In ANY OTHER PLACE but Mississippi, the story would end right here.
But ooooooooh no. Welcome to honky-town people. Here we go.
I slide onto the ground next to the victim. He's breathing and has a very strong pulse (hooray). But this man has a serious head-laceration and is bleeding all over the place. This is how my pants were destroyed. And he's out cold. Ater all, this guy introduced his face to the hood of the FourRunner and then to the pavement.
I'm concerned about spinal injury, so I DON'T move him. Duh. Now...all the sudden some douche-bag in an UnderArmor hoodie runs up next to me and identifies himself as an Air Force Medic. Hold the fucking press people. Guess what? The United States Air Force does not have "medics". They have some assorted medical jobs...dental technicians, maybe a few other here and there...but they do NOT have Medics. I mean...for what? Its the Air Force. When is the last time someone died from a papercut? And THEN he says "LETS ROLL HIM OVER!".
Now the BAMF bullshit card comes out. In my most "I will kill your fucking family"-voice I say...
"Get the fuck out of here kid. Thats the last thing I want to do right now, you could kill this guy. If you were actually a medic you would fucking know that. The next time you are going to lie and attempt to be a hero, at least get a fucking haircut so I might at least half-way believe you. Now get the fuck out of here."
He looked like I had torn the head off of his puppy dog right there in front of him. Needless to say, he promptly left the scene.
Before I can blink...the driver of the 4Runner is out of the car. This guy is EASILY 6'4" and 250 pounds. A BEAST of a man. And he is crying hysterically. Like a freaking 3 year old child. Whoa tiger.
Thankfully, 2 girls arrive on scene as well. One is dressed in head to toe black and the other in pink. They ask me what I can do to help. Its NIGHT, so chick in the black needs to be OUT of the road. I tell her to talk to the driver and calm him down. By this point he has called 911 and is STILL flipping his shit. Girl in the pink? Literally just STAND next to me. I am crouched in the middle of the road here...you get to play road cone. That way I don't become a victim.
The actual victim decides to wake up. I spin around, identify myself, and tell him NOT to move. All he can say is "Ok John." (Yes, that's my name) He doesn't speak the best English. Great...it gets better.
Now the ambulance drives up. Good news you say? Oh no no no. Enter the "toothless Mississippi Paramedics". Remember, the victim does not speak English.
One paramedic rushes to the victim, the other to me. I explain...and I quote...
"Hey, I'm an Army Medic. This guy is about 50 years old. Sustained a nasty head injury and has multiple lacerations on his face and scalp. I'm concerned about a neck injury. He may also have some other broken bones. I haven't moved him. He was unconscious when I arrived on scene...now he's awake and alert. He doesn't speak much English" (sounds professional right?)
The response...
(wildly honky accent) "Awlrighty then siiir. We gunna take realll nice care o'em."
I then noticed...forget the victim..THIS motherfucker doesn't have any teeth. Oh this is going to be great.
I turn around to see what his partner in crime is doing to the victim. He is SCREAMING at this poor asian man. Look, if someone doesn't speak English...YELLING at them in ENGLISH does not help your cause.
"Awwwlrighty siiir. I'm gunna put this here coller around yer neck. Its gunna keep yur neck bones real nice n' straight"
(Wow)
The victim looks at me in sheer panic. I just smile and give him a thumbs up. He says "Ok John"
The paramedic, oblivious to anything, says "No siiirreee, My names Earl..I'ma git you to a hospital"
"We're gunna strap ya to this here backboard. Its called a backboard. Its gonna keep yer back bones all nice too."
(Holy fucking shit. I am actually LAUGHING at this point)
I look down...I am COVERED in this old man's blood. Yay. So the Police arrive...take my statement, take my information, etc. And at least THEY were halfway competent.
I go home...tear off my pants. (Hey, it NEVER happens any other way) and change...and then go to the Veranda and proceed to get te-rarded. (thats WORSE than retarded)
Oh Friday nights in Mississippi...how I will miss you.
Out here,
the BAMF
15 October 2008
November 4th...hurry up already.
Ok.
I watched the "final debate" tonight between Senator John McCain and ol' what's his name.
Now look. I'm a Republican. I make no apologies about that. And I honestly think there are a lot of wonderful Democrats in the world. Some of them happen to be my dear friends. But honestly guys...is Barack Obama the best you could come up with? Seriously?! Come on now. If HE is the best and brightest your party has to offer, that's like saying he won a gold medal at the Special Olympics...guess what...he's still fucking retarded.
In fact, I think on November 4th...if you have the ability to walk into that voting booth...and honestly press "Senator Barack Obama (D, IL)" for PRESIDENT. I think there should be a midget underneath that booth that punches you directly in the balls. (or for you women...I don't know...bites your toes or something generally awful)
I'm done ranting because I just realized I somehow mentioned retards, midgets, AND Barack Obama in one blog post. That is wild.
Out here,
The BAMF
I watched the "final debate" tonight between Senator John McCain and ol' what's his name.
Now look. I'm a Republican. I make no apologies about that. And I honestly think there are a lot of wonderful Democrats in the world. Some of them happen to be my dear friends. But honestly guys...is Barack Obama the best you could come up with? Seriously?! Come on now. If HE is the best and brightest your party has to offer, that's like saying he won a gold medal at the Special Olympics...guess what...he's still fucking retarded.
In fact, I think on November 4th...if you have the ability to walk into that voting booth...and honestly press "Senator Barack Obama (D, IL)" for PRESIDENT. I think there should be a midget underneath that booth that punches you directly in the balls. (or for you women...I don't know...bites your toes or something generally awful)
I'm done ranting because I just realized I somehow mentioned retards, midgets, AND Barack Obama in one blog post. That is wild.
Out here,
The BAMF
10 October 2008
So its almost Halloween....(evil laugh)
Well, its almost that time of the year. We all get dressed up...get drunk...and make a few bad decisions. Yes folks, Halloween.
And the most important question...."what are you going to be for Halloween?"
Well my friends, I've thought about A LOT of things...
Here's the initial list first:
1. Cole Trickle (From Days of Thunder)
Hey, Its the South and NASCAR just seems to fit. Oh, and its one of the worst movies ever made.
2. United States Air Force "Pilot"
If you are not in the military, you might not understand...but these guy are the biggest bags of douche on the planet. Please, when bullets are flyin' and people are dyin'....give me a NAVAL AVIATOR...not one of these Air Force goons...
3. Ole Miss student
Apparently the seer-sucker suit is back in style in Oxford. Too easy.
4. Tyrone the Crackhead
Chappelle's Show fans...come on now....time to bring Tyrone Biggums BACK
5. My Boss (In the Army)
Normally this would be a no-no...but considering I have LITERALLY done his job in his absence on more than one occasion...even he would laugh.
6. Bill O'Reilly
I would wear a suit and tie....get hammered drunk...and just yell at everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. It could get out of control.
And the winner is....
I got about 50 volunteers (lower ranking individuals..hahaha)...and here's our idea.
We are going as....(drumroll)
THE NETWORK.
Thats right Verizon people....YOU.
I am just going to dress normal. And have out my cell phone. Behind me will be my sidekick "weatherboy", dressed as the Verizon-guy. And with him will be a bunch of randomly dressed people. THe token guy with the hard-hat...maybe a business suit or two....but a LARGE crowd.
And then?....I am just going to walk around the party talking to people.
When they ask "What the fuck is that behind you?!" I get to say. "Oh, thats my network"
Cheers,
-The BAMF
And the most important question...."what are you going to be for Halloween?"
Well my friends, I've thought about A LOT of things...
Here's the initial list first:
1. Cole Trickle (From Days of Thunder)
Hey, Its the South and NASCAR just seems to fit. Oh, and its one of the worst movies ever made.
2. United States Air Force "Pilot"
If you are not in the military, you might not understand...but these guy are the biggest bags of douche on the planet. Please, when bullets are flyin' and people are dyin'....give me a NAVAL AVIATOR...not one of these Air Force goons...
3. Ole Miss student
Apparently the seer-sucker suit is back in style in Oxford. Too easy.
4. Tyrone the Crackhead
Chappelle's Show fans...come on now....time to bring Tyrone Biggums BACK
5. My Boss (In the Army)
Normally this would be a no-no...but considering I have LITERALLY done his job in his absence on more than one occasion...even he would laugh.
6. Bill O'Reilly
I would wear a suit and tie....get hammered drunk...and just yell at everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. It could get out of control.
And the winner is....
I got about 50 volunteers (lower ranking individuals..hahaha)...and here's our idea.
We are going as....(drumroll)
THE NETWORK.
Thats right Verizon people....YOU.
I am just going to dress normal. And have out my cell phone. Behind me will be my sidekick "weatherboy", dressed as the Verizon-guy. And with him will be a bunch of randomly dressed people. THe token guy with the hard-hat...maybe a business suit or two....but a LARGE crowd.
And then?....I am just going to walk around the party talking to people.
When they ask "What the fuck is that behind you?!" I get to say. "Oh, thats my network"
Cheers,
-The BAMF
02 October 2008
The VP debacle...I mean debate.
Oh my goodness.
I just finished watching the VP debate tonight...and I don't know if I want to throw up or maybe just have a fucking seizure.
Look, its not exactly a mystery that I am a Republican. That being said...I don't exactly know what the hell happened tonight. Really. It was like watching two kids with Down-Syndrome beat the shit out of each other on the playground. I did not want to watch...but I could not turn away.
Ok, lets talk Biden first. He's too easy. Like I said, I'm a Republican...I hated this douche by default. As one of my friends put it, "he looks like some evil character off of Veggie-Tales". Wow.
Ok Joe..there's left-wing..and then there is "whoa homie...you are off the map Tiger Woods" Come on back Joe. I think you have good intentions...you are just a crazy old fuck. I won't even talk about you anymore. Its TOO easy...
And on to Govenor Sarah Palin. First of all, I want to like you. Heck, you are kind of a "cougar" for a VP candidate. But damnit...your voice. AHHHHHHHHHHH. You sound like some yankee high school guidance counselor. It freaks me out. I halfway expect you to tell me I need to "apply myself in class" and "fill out my college applications soon."
There was one point were I just screamed at my TV like a crazy man. Just because you were talking.
Your voice...it hurts my soul.
The ONLY thing that made me survive that television experince was my friend Elle. She kept me laughing via Facebook. Elle, thank you. You saved me from throwing a large object THROUGH my very expensive TV.
People, don't be discouraged...I'm still voting for McCain...but damnit...Sarah, sweetheart...get your shit together...and maybe see a Speech Therapist...or better yet have an exorcism. And please..give me my sould back.
Out here,
-The BAMF
I just finished watching the VP debate tonight...and I don't know if I want to throw up or maybe just have a fucking seizure.
Look, its not exactly a mystery that I am a Republican. That being said...I don't exactly know what the hell happened tonight. Really. It was like watching two kids with Down-Syndrome beat the shit out of each other on the playground. I did not want to watch...but I could not turn away.
Ok, lets talk Biden first. He's too easy. Like I said, I'm a Republican...I hated this douche by default. As one of my friends put it, "he looks like some evil character off of Veggie-Tales". Wow.
Ok Joe..there's left-wing..and then there is "whoa homie...you are off the map Tiger Woods" Come on back Joe. I think you have good intentions...you are just a crazy old fuck. I won't even talk about you anymore. Its TOO easy...
And on to Govenor Sarah Palin. First of all, I want to like you. Heck, you are kind of a "cougar" for a VP candidate. But damnit...your voice. AHHHHHHHHHHH. You sound like some yankee high school guidance counselor. It freaks me out. I halfway expect you to tell me I need to "apply myself in class" and "fill out my college applications soon."
There was one point were I just screamed at my TV like a crazy man. Just because you were talking.
Your voice...it hurts my soul.
The ONLY thing that made me survive that television experince was my friend Elle. She kept me laughing via Facebook. Elle, thank you. You saved me from throwing a large object THROUGH my very expensive TV.
People, don't be discouraged...I'm still voting for McCain...but damnit...Sarah, sweetheart...get your shit together...and maybe see a Speech Therapist...or better yet have an exorcism. And please..give me my sould back.
Out here,
-The BAMF
29 September 2008
The US Navy impresses Freelance BAMF...
The United States Navy did something that IMPRESSES ME. That is right.
Mark those calendars....its a revolution bitches.
The men and women of VAW-113 (The "Black Eagles") are famous for making music videos on their 6 month deployments to various corners of the world.
Check this one out....it impressed me...
Hats off to these guys. We have to keep our sanity somehow when we are deployed.
Keep up the good work fellas....stay safe.
Out here,
The BAMF
Mark those calendars....its a revolution bitches.
The men and women of VAW-113 (The "Black Eagles") are famous for making music videos on their 6 month deployments to various corners of the world.
Check this one out....it impressed me...
Hats off to these guys. We have to keep our sanity somehow when we are deployed.
Keep up the good work fellas....stay safe.
Out here,
The BAMF
Its been awhile...
Hey hey hey people. Your friendly neighborhood BAMF here.
Sorry its been awhile. Work has been STUPID-busy (google it). And of course...grad school is eating my soul.
Just a few updates...
Work: The Army. Its the Army people...nothing makes sense. And I have to get ready for a HUGE briefing this weekend for a 4-star...yes, 4-star general. Everyone keeps asking my team..."hey...are you guys ready?" Thats re-fucking-diculous. That is like trying to get ready to be kicked in the balls.
School: On the UPside...Grad school is rough, but then again..its supposed to be. I just navigate my way through the stupid sorostitute comments and general liberal douchbaggery.
Its a grand ol' time. Oh, and I got to see Colin Powell (GEN, USA Ret) speak last week. AMAZING. Why can't HE run for President? (sigh...)
Sorry its been awhile. Work has been STUPID-busy (google it). And of course...grad school is eating my soul.
Just a few updates...
Work: The Army. Its the Army people...nothing makes sense. And I have to get ready for a HUGE briefing this weekend for a 4-star...yes, 4-star general. Everyone keeps asking my team..."hey...are you guys ready?" Thats re-fucking-diculous. That is like trying to get ready to be kicked in the balls.
School: On the UPside...Grad school is rough, but then again..its supposed to be. I just navigate my way through the stupid sorostitute comments and general liberal douchbaggery.
Its a grand ol' time. Oh, and I got to see Colin Powell (GEN, USA Ret) speak last week. AMAZING. Why can't HE run for President? (sigh...)
Watch yourselves people. My RSP's made their own patch...hahaha.
More pictures of the "Arrrrrrmy Training" to come.
More pictures of the "Arrrrrrmy Training" to come.
Out here,
The BAMF
The BAMF
11 September 2008
9/11
Hey people.
The BAMF does not need to remind you about today. If you don't know what today is...well...time to venture out of your cave mmmk?
I'm not going to post a bunch of 9/11 stuff....I think there is enough of it out there...but I will do one thing for you guys today.
I'll reassure you.
There are still people in this world that want to hurt YOU. Yeah...you. There are plenty of terrorist groups, not just Al Qaeda (like Hamas) that would love to do something worse than the attacks of 9/11/01.
But people...don't lose any sleep over it.
There are plenty of people that stand ready to take the fight to the enemy. Whoever they may be...wherever they may be.
Alot of you guys know what I do in the Army.
But this video (BIG props to Zach for this one) is EXACTLY why Rangers do what they do....
The Ranger Creed.
That creed is not just something we memorize...or just something we say. We live by it.
So today, do me a favor...hug your kids. Go to a movie. Go out to dinner. Do whatever it is you do.
But above all...sleep well America. We're out here.
-The BAMF
The BAMF does not need to remind you about today. If you don't know what today is...well...time to venture out of your cave mmmk?
I'm not going to post a bunch of 9/11 stuff....I think there is enough of it out there...but I will do one thing for you guys today.
I'll reassure you.
There are still people in this world that want to hurt YOU. Yeah...you. There are plenty of terrorist groups, not just Al Qaeda (like Hamas) that would love to do something worse than the attacks of 9/11/01.
But people...don't lose any sleep over it.
There are plenty of people that stand ready to take the fight to the enemy. Whoever they may be...wherever they may be.
Alot of you guys know what I do in the Army.
But this video (BIG props to Zach for this one) is EXACTLY why Rangers do what they do....
The Ranger Creed.
That creed is not just something we memorize...or just something we say. We live by it.
So today, do me a favor...hug your kids. Go to a movie. Go out to dinner. Do whatever it is you do.
But above all...sleep well America. We're out here.
-The BAMF
03 September 2008
Fred Thompson makes me smile.
People,
I don't know if any of you are fellow Republicans...but in case someone out there is....
DID YOU SEE FRED THOMPSON? Holy Shit.
Hands down best speech of the 2008 Election (by either party)
Fred, thank you for making me proud to be from your state...
-The BAMF
I don't know if any of you are fellow Republicans...but in case someone out there is....
DID YOU SEE FRED THOMPSON? Holy Shit.
Hands down best speech of the 2008 Election (by either party)
Fred, thank you for making me proud to be from your state...
-The BAMF
31 August 2008
Happy Labor Day
Greetings from the Mississippi Emergency Operations Center. (woot)
Havin a grand ol' time waiting for Gustav to hit.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
And I dont care HOW many times I've seen this....never gets old....
Have a great Labor Day people!
Go to hell Ole Miss,
The BAMF
Havin a grand ol' time waiting for Gustav to hit.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
And I dont care HOW many times I've seen this....never gets old....
Have a great Labor Day people!
Go to hell Ole Miss,
The BAMF
30 August 2008
LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!!!!!!
Ok...Hurricane Gustav is on his way towards the south...
And me....oh I am PISSED.
The Mississippi Army National Guard has always had its shit together. I've served with them before and we were mobilized DAYS BEFORE Katrina made landfall. We were prepared. We were ready. We evacuated people BEFORE it hit. Mississippi "had its shit in one sack" so to speak. Yeah, bet you never thought you'd hear that.
Now, those retards in Louisiana? Ha. MORONS.
The disaster that was New Orleans was, sorry to say it, completely and totally their own fault.
They have a BRIGADE (thats 5,000+ soldiers people) at their disposal...and their Govenor (at the time) told them to "take care of their own families".
Well, we all know what happened next.
Mississippi actually took the brunt of the storm. The destruction was FAR, FAR worse in Mississippi (I know people...I actually was IN Mississippi AND New Orleans)...
But New Orleans, being below sea-level...had a problem. Levee's broke and the water, which receeded after the storm in "above-sea-level Mississippi"...STAYED. Hince the chaos.
Now, fast-forward to 2008. Aparently we all have "Hurricane Fever" down here...
THIS damn hurricane...is still busy jacking up the detainees in CUBA. And I am already standing here on the Mississippi coast. In fear "battle-rattle"...body-armor...rifle...tons and tons of supplies...waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
So if anyone is wondering "Hey...whats the BAMF up to this weekend?"
Oh, I'll tell you. I'm staring at the ocean. Waiting on Gustav...who will be here...NEXT FREAKING WEEK... (if it even hits Mississippi at all) It could hit Louisiana (yay?) or even Texas...
UPDATE******
They just informed us that ol' Gustav is already a CAT 3. Thats bad. It will BE a CAT 5 sometime in its lifetime. Wether it HITS LAND as a CAT 5? Who knows.
So, if you are reading this and you live on the Gulf Coast...or have friends that live down there...call them...and tell them to leave.
Provided I personally survive this thing...that would just be a few less people to pull to safety.
STAY TUNED PEOPLE! (This could be FUN!)
-The BAMF
And me....oh I am PISSED.
The Mississippi Army National Guard has always had its shit together. I've served with them before and we were mobilized DAYS BEFORE Katrina made landfall. We were prepared. We were ready. We evacuated people BEFORE it hit. Mississippi "had its shit in one sack" so to speak. Yeah, bet you never thought you'd hear that.
Now, those retards in Louisiana? Ha. MORONS.
The disaster that was New Orleans was, sorry to say it, completely and totally their own fault.
They have a BRIGADE (thats 5,000+ soldiers people) at their disposal...and their Govenor (at the time) told them to "take care of their own families".
Well, we all know what happened next.
Mississippi actually took the brunt of the storm. The destruction was FAR, FAR worse in Mississippi (I know people...I actually was IN Mississippi AND New Orleans)...
But New Orleans, being below sea-level...had a problem. Levee's broke and the water, which receeded after the storm in "above-sea-level Mississippi"...STAYED. Hince the chaos.
Now, fast-forward to 2008. Aparently we all have "Hurricane Fever" down here...
THIS damn hurricane...is still busy jacking up the detainees in CUBA. And I am already standing here on the Mississippi coast. In fear "battle-rattle"...body-armor...rifle...tons and tons of supplies...waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
So if anyone is wondering "Hey...whats the BAMF up to this weekend?"
Oh, I'll tell you. I'm staring at the ocean. Waiting on Gustav...who will be here...NEXT FREAKING WEEK... (if it even hits Mississippi at all) It could hit Louisiana (yay?) or even Texas...
UPDATE******
They just informed us that ol' Gustav is already a CAT 3. Thats bad. It will BE a CAT 5 sometime in its lifetime. Wether it HITS LAND as a CAT 5? Who knows.
So, if you are reading this and you live on the Gulf Coast...or have friends that live down there...call them...and tell them to leave.
Provided I personally survive this thing...that would just be a few less people to pull to safety.
STAY TUNED PEOPLE! (This could be FUN!)
-The BAMF
26 August 2008
Hooray for ME!
Hey Hey Hey people!
Well, despite the fact that it has rained for 8....yes EIGHT...days now...I'm bouncing off the walls.
I, through my various "connections" just aquired a $600.00 ticket to a leadership "summit" here at Missisippi State...that has General Colin Powell (USA Ret) as the keynote speaker.
wooooooo.
=D
Well, despite the fact that it has rained for 8....yes EIGHT...days now...I'm bouncing off the walls.
I, through my various "connections" just aquired a $600.00 ticket to a leadership "summit" here at Missisippi State...that has General Colin Powell (USA Ret) as the keynote speaker.
wooooooo.
=D
LOVE IT.
-The BAMF
24 August 2008
Hooray for technology.
Well, alot of people have been bugging me about this "Twitter" thing. I think its creepy.
The Anti-Christ in class last week even talked about it.
So you know what. We're gonna experiment with this thing. If its cool enough to hold my attention, I'll keep it around.
http://twitter.com/freelancebamf
enjoy people.
-The BAMF
The Anti-Christ in class last week even talked about it.
So you know what. We're gonna experiment with this thing. If its cool enough to hold my attention, I'll keep it around.
http://twitter.com/freelancebamf
enjoy people.
-The BAMF
21 August 2008
Happy Birthday to my dog.
For those of you who know me...you know I have a dog/child named Maggie.
I adopted her from the St. Clair County Humane Society 2 years ago. (Up near St. Louis, MO) My ex-girlfriend, whom we will refer to as "her" and I adopted her.
I adopted her from the St. Clair County Humane Society 2 years ago. (Up near St. Louis, MO) My ex-girlfriend, whom we will refer to as "her" and I adopted her.
I've talked to a few different "Vet's"...and we all seem to think she is a "Beagle-mix". A Beagle mixed with what you ask? I dunno.
When I adopted her, she was "about 2 months old". They found her walking TOWARDS the shelter...from East St. Louis. For those of you that don't know..that's the "hood". So, my dog is from the hood. Really. But its OK. I promptly moved her to Creve Coeur, MO...a very nice area in St. Louis.
So, I don't know WHEN her "birthday" is...but I am estimating that it is today.
And I think she knows it. She woke up thinking that she could do whatever the hell she wants to today.
Example. I get up at 0500 (that's 5 AM), go for a run, come home...take a shower...get dressed...and wonder...where IS Maggie? She's not on the couch...not in her bed...oh wait...she's in MY bed.
Happy Birthday Maggie.
-The BAMF
Oh, and here's a great random video for the day. Here's proof that the whole "ghost ride your whip" thing has gone too far. From the hood to the war zone.
Wow.
Have a good day people. Don't work too hard.
I'm off to class with the Anti-Christ.
20 August 2008
"Gradumate" School strikes again...
Hey there people, sorry its been awhile. Its been BUSY down here in Mississippi.
Classes started again. Ho-fucking-ray.
ALL of my classes seem pretty straight forward...almost easy....except for ONE.
There's always one right?
Its a 6000-level course. Not for your average retard. You have to have a Bachelor's to even get in the door. Its "Applied Mass Media Law". Ye-haw right?
No one, and I mean NO ONE, would take this class for shits and giggles. No way. (keep this statement in mind)
Its day numero uno. We all stumble into class. I find my nice seat by the wall, under the window. I'm happy. There's a rather attractive lady who sits down next to me. I grin. And before I can even think "Wow...she's hot"...it happens.
"Alright children, lets get this party started". Oh my god. I just got referred to as a child. Awesome.
Enter the professor from hell. This woman, who holds not one, but two Doctorate degrees (and she reminds you of this fact constantly) is, in my humble opinion...the Anti-Christ. Seriously. Everyone should go to Church now.
Typical first day of class in college....get your syllabus...discuss it....go home. No no no no. We stayed for the entire 2 hours.
She started her lecture by asking everyone who had a business undergrad to raise their hands. Three "children" fess-up. She promptly tells them to "drop the class while they are still breathing". And adds "if you don't have a communication background...this class will eat you and your whole family". For some reason...I laughed. What? It was funny.
She then proceeds to verbally rake us over the coals. She demands we fill out our "student profile". Its a three page form that involves everything from my phone number, to my ethnic background, educational background, career goals, etc. She wants to know "who she's dealing with". Ha ha.
The "Dr." then spent the rest of the time telling us how hard her class would be. How much we would "suffer". Blah blah blah.
Now, she warned us she is a very "pointed" person. But I was not QUITE ready for what happened next.
She was looking around the room, commenting on people's attire, etc (yes, like making fun of people).
SIDE NOTE: I'm in the Army. I've been in a long time now. I am used to being asked crazy questions.
She looks at me (I'm in jeans, t-shirt, hat, Oakley's on my hat) trying to blend in...and says "you in the military?"
Me: "Yes ma'am"
The Evil One: "What branch"
Me: "Army"
The Evil One: "Been in com BAT?" (she said it like that)
Me: "Yes ma'am...Iraq and Afghanistan"
The Evil One: "Hope you didn't kill any damn kids"
(awkward pause as I swallow my gum)
Me: "No ma'am...we don't do that despite what you hear on TV"
(awkward pause again)
The Evil One: hm.
And then she dismisses the class. No shit.
Stay tuned people. This semester is going to be fucking amazing.
Not to mention very, very, very interesting.
And no, I did not drop her class. I'm going to stay, make an A, and in December, take my Master's Degree and use it to give her paper cuts...in her fucking eyes.
Bring it...bitch.
-The BAMF
Classes started again. Ho-fucking-ray.
ALL of my classes seem pretty straight forward...almost easy....except for ONE.
There's always one right?
Its a 6000-level course. Not for your average retard. You have to have a Bachelor's to even get in the door. Its "Applied Mass Media Law". Ye-haw right?
No one, and I mean NO ONE, would take this class for shits and giggles. No way. (keep this statement in mind)
Its day numero uno. We all stumble into class. I find my nice seat by the wall, under the window. I'm happy. There's a rather attractive lady who sits down next to me. I grin. And before I can even think "Wow...she's hot"...it happens.
"Alright children, lets get this party started". Oh my god. I just got referred to as a child. Awesome.
Enter the professor from hell. This woman, who holds not one, but two Doctorate degrees (and she reminds you of this fact constantly) is, in my humble opinion...the Anti-Christ. Seriously. Everyone should go to Church now.
Typical first day of class in college....get your syllabus...discuss it....go home. No no no no. We stayed for the entire 2 hours.
She started her lecture by asking everyone who had a business undergrad to raise their hands. Three "children" fess-up. She promptly tells them to "drop the class while they are still breathing". And adds "if you don't have a communication background...this class will eat you and your whole family". For some reason...I laughed. What? It was funny.
She then proceeds to verbally rake us over the coals. She demands we fill out our "student profile". Its a three page form that involves everything from my phone number, to my ethnic background, educational background, career goals, etc. She wants to know "who she's dealing with". Ha ha.
The "Dr." then spent the rest of the time telling us how hard her class would be. How much we would "suffer". Blah blah blah.
Now, she warned us she is a very "pointed" person. But I was not QUITE ready for what happened next.
She was looking around the room, commenting on people's attire, etc (yes, like making fun of people).
SIDE NOTE: I'm in the Army. I've been in a long time now. I am used to being asked crazy questions.
She looks at me (I'm in jeans, t-shirt, hat, Oakley's on my hat) trying to blend in...and says "you in the military?"
Me: "Yes ma'am"
The Evil One: "What branch"
Me: "Army"
The Evil One: "Been in com BAT?" (she said it like that)
Me: "Yes ma'am...Iraq and Afghanistan"
The Evil One: "Hope you didn't kill any damn kids"
(awkward pause as I swallow my gum)
Me: "No ma'am...we don't do that despite what you hear on TV"
(awkward pause again)
The Evil One: hm.
And then she dismisses the class. No shit.
Stay tuned people. This semester is going to be fucking amazing.
Not to mention very, very, very interesting.
And no, I did not drop her class. I'm going to stay, make an A, and in December, take my Master's Degree and use it to give her paper cuts...in her fucking eyes.
Bring it...bitch.
-The BAMF
24 July 2008
Homeland Security...with a little "Army twist"
Well, someone asked me about this incident at the bar last night so I decided to share with you guys.
Last summer, it was time for my unit to come home from Germany. Hooray.
My company consisted of 147 soldiers. Not exactly a small group. So, when we all have to travel together, the US Army usually charters a plane. But oh no, not this time...we get to fly AMERICAN AIRLINES.
Now, our trip to Germany was a DEPLOYMENT. Most of us went to Afghanistan, Iraq, Kuwait and all over the planet earth FROM our station in Germany. "What does a deployment mean?", you ask? Well, for starters, it means we travel fully clad with body armor, rifle, sidearm, etc.
On a chartered flight, no one cares...but we, the United States Army, were about to fly American Airlines. The night before we left for home, I was the only one who seemed somewhat concerned about this. Perhaps I was the only one sober enough to care. Oh well.
The morning arrives and we hop on the bus to Frankfurt. And they proceed to drop us off at the front door. Well, 147 ARMED US Soldiers tend to scare people. Everyone waiting around outside scattered. The airport had been invaded.
I checked my bag and the guy at the counter didn't even ask about my M-4 assault rifle or my M-9 Beretta 9mm sidearm. Sure, I must have been legit...
In a scene of pure hilarity, we went through security.
I shit you not people...they made ME take off my shoes. I have not one but TWO WEAPONS...and you think I am going to blow up my fucking boots? Right. Idiots.
We board the plane and much to my delight, most of the rear of the brand-spanking new Boeing 777 is occupied by all of us. Yay! Let the debauchery begin.
We stow our body armor and rifles in the overhead compartments. I decide to leave my sidearm in its nice "drop-leg holster" on my left thigh. No biggie. I throw on my iPod's headphones, finish my Jack and Coke, and try to get comfortable before we take off.
The pilot talks on the intercom. Tells everyone there is a company of Rangers/Sappers on board. People clap. I order another drink.
Then, it begins...a small child sits down next to me. He says "Hi mista". I know that accent. I open my eyes and there is a small middle-eastern boy in the seat next to me. Hmm. Now, its not HIM I am worried about, its his DAD that might concern me.
Just as I think this, I look up. There he is. Now, I do NOT "profile"...but you can tell when you are overseas who is friendly and who is not. This guy? NOT. He snatches his son out of his seats and actually called me "Infidel" under his breath. Wow.
I just smile and wave. I have a weapon.
My commander, a Captain, sits down next to me, with HIS drink in hand and we start talking. I point out the angry man and his happy child, and inform my captain that I'm an "Infidel". We laugh.
I take notice that there are about 5 or 6 angry looking middle eastern men on the plane. Who are these men? Why are they angry? Who knows. I don't. And I could care less. I'm about 12 hours from Memphis, TN and civilian clothes.
We take off (after a 2 HOUR delay) YAY. And I watch a movie...have a few more drinks...take a nap...eat....its pretty UNeventful. Now, this flight was in the middle of the night. We were actually going to land in Memphis AT 8AM.
About 2 something in the morning...I awake from a semi-drunken slumber in my seat. My CO is awake, reading some nerdy X-files book. I proceed to make fun of him. And then, it happens again.
IN UNISON...all of the middle eastern guys stand up and start jabbering in Arabic. (the "slow-motion" begins) The flight attendant locks eyes with me. My CO mutters a bad word that starts with f and ends with "fuckingshit". (one word)
At that very INSTANT...I hear about 147 seat belts unsnap themselves. Its an errie sound. Like "metallic popcorn of death." And instantly, the middle eastern men shut up...and sit down.
I ordered another drink, smile, and recline my seat.
"Make that 2 more drinks mam' "
-The BAMF
Last summer, it was time for my unit to come home from Germany. Hooray.
My company consisted of 147 soldiers. Not exactly a small group. So, when we all have to travel together, the US Army usually charters a plane. But oh no, not this time...we get to fly AMERICAN AIRLINES.
Now, our trip to Germany was a DEPLOYMENT. Most of us went to Afghanistan, Iraq, Kuwait and all over the planet earth FROM our station in Germany. "What does a deployment mean?", you ask? Well, for starters, it means we travel fully clad with body armor, rifle, sidearm, etc.
On a chartered flight, no one cares...but we, the United States Army, were about to fly American Airlines. The night before we left for home, I was the only one who seemed somewhat concerned about this. Perhaps I was the only one sober enough to care. Oh well.
The morning arrives and we hop on the bus to Frankfurt. And they proceed to drop us off at the front door. Well, 147 ARMED US Soldiers tend to scare people. Everyone waiting around outside scattered. The airport had been invaded.
I checked my bag and the guy at the counter didn't even ask about my M-4 assault rifle or my M-9 Beretta 9mm sidearm. Sure, I must have been legit...
In a scene of pure hilarity, we went through security.
I shit you not people...they made ME take off my shoes. I have not one but TWO WEAPONS...and you think I am going to blow up my fucking boots? Right. Idiots.
We board the plane and much to my delight, most of the rear of the brand-spanking new Boeing 777 is occupied by all of us. Yay! Let the debauchery begin.
We stow our body armor and rifles in the overhead compartments. I decide to leave my sidearm in its nice "drop-leg holster" on my left thigh. No biggie. I throw on my iPod's headphones, finish my Jack and Coke, and try to get comfortable before we take off.
The pilot talks on the intercom. Tells everyone there is a company of Rangers/Sappers on board. People clap. I order another drink.
Then, it begins...a small child sits down next to me. He says "Hi mista". I know that accent. I open my eyes and there is a small middle-eastern boy in the seat next to me. Hmm. Now, its not HIM I am worried about, its his DAD that might concern me.
Just as I think this, I look up. There he is. Now, I do NOT "profile"...but you can tell when you are overseas who is friendly and who is not. This guy? NOT. He snatches his son out of his seats and actually called me "Infidel" under his breath. Wow.
I just smile and wave. I have a weapon.
My commander, a Captain, sits down next to me, with HIS drink in hand and we start talking. I point out the angry man and his happy child, and inform my captain that I'm an "Infidel". We laugh.
I take notice that there are about 5 or 6 angry looking middle eastern men on the plane. Who are these men? Why are they angry? Who knows. I don't. And I could care less. I'm about 12 hours from Memphis, TN and civilian clothes.
We take off (after a 2 HOUR delay) YAY. And I watch a movie...have a few more drinks...take a nap...eat....its pretty UNeventful. Now, this flight was in the middle of the night. We were actually going to land in Memphis AT 8AM.
About 2 something in the morning...I awake from a semi-drunken slumber in my seat. My CO is awake, reading some nerdy X-files book. I proceed to make fun of him. And then, it happens again.
IN UNISON...all of the middle eastern guys stand up and start jabbering in Arabic. (the "slow-motion" begins) The flight attendant locks eyes with me. My CO mutters a bad word that starts with f and ends with "fuckingshit". (one word)
At that very INSTANT...I hear about 147 seat belts unsnap themselves. Its an errie sound. Like "metallic popcorn of death." And instantly, the middle eastern men shut up...and sit down.
I ordered another drink, smile, and recline my seat.
"Make that 2 more drinks mam' "
-The BAMF
Oh Obama...
Well...politics is a dangerous area for me to even dare comment. I'm an "army-guy"...so forgive me if I usually identify with the Republican party.
Barack Obama just gave his cute little speech in Berlin, and I actually watched the entire thing on FoxNews. I have to hand it to him...John McCain probably agreed with about 85% of the speech he gave. It was pretty neutral. He managed to "blur the lines", as some strange political analyst stated, between himself and Sen. McCain.
I was rather proud. It was almost amazed to see, for the first time in a long, long time, an AMERICAN politician giving a speech to 10,000+ GERMANS...and THEY LOVED IT. Obama actually had me smiling as I consumed my lunch of the "always delicious" Taco Bell....and then it happened...
"At times, we have failed to keep the promise of liberty..." Whoa. Wait. Back up. Screeeeech. Please Senator Fuckstick, how have we done THAT? I just spent 2 YEARS of my life overseas, serving my country, SPREADING DEMOCRACY. We did the right thing in Iraq and Afghanistan. We are GIVING those countries the gift of FREEDOM. Freedom from oppression, tyranny, and genocide (yes, genocide kids...it happened in IRAQ). So, Obama...did the 4,000+ of my brothers who have DIED in combat, fail to keep the promise of liberty?
I want everyone's attention here....
***Obama, if I ever see you in person, I am going to punch you in the dick.***
Quite frankly...Fuck you.
-The BAMF
08 July 2008
"Ed-ju-ma-ca-shun"
Wow. Grad school has already mystified me. Look, I would NEVER insult anyone's intelligence...well, until today.
Our class, as with most grad school classes, is mostly just a forum for debating, yelling, screaming, ranting, and the occasional threat of physical violence. But, please...someone tell me why I was subjected to what I saw today.
We are in school, getting MASTER's degrees people...not exactly community college. At a GREAT school too. I used to have faith in the edjucation system...and then "it" happened.
She walked in wearing her sorority t-shirt, flip-flops and rocking out to some god-awful shit on her iPod. She looked the part of typical "sorostitute". But this is grad school...she has to be half-way intelligent right? Oh you are so wrong.
Our professor was leading us in a rather spirited discussion about professional ethics, etc...and then it happened. She stopped the professor mid-sentence and said....and I quote...
"Ummmm...you've been saying this all class and I don't know what it means...but...what exactly is a CEO of a company?....I don't get it."
I choked on my coffee. The football player next to me muttered something under his breath. The professors eyes rolled into the back of his head. There was laughter. I think I heard a car-wreck outside and I am pretty sure I saw one of the four horsemen of the apocolypse.
Why, sweet Graduate school, have you betrayed me?
This is EXACTLY how I feel: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cmi283C1_qE
Out here,
The BAMF
Our class, as with most grad school classes, is mostly just a forum for debating, yelling, screaming, ranting, and the occasional threat of physical violence. But, please...someone tell me why I was subjected to what I saw today.
We are in school, getting MASTER's degrees people...not exactly community college. At a GREAT school too. I used to have faith in the edjucation system...and then "it" happened.
She walked in wearing her sorority t-shirt, flip-flops and rocking out to some god-awful shit on her iPod. She looked the part of typical "sorostitute". But this is grad school...she has to be half-way intelligent right? Oh you are so wrong.
Our professor was leading us in a rather spirited discussion about professional ethics, etc...and then it happened. She stopped the professor mid-sentence and said....and I quote...
"Ummmm...you've been saying this all class and I don't know what it means...but...what exactly is a CEO of a company?....I don't get it."
I choked on my coffee. The football player next to me muttered something under his breath. The professors eyes rolled into the back of his head. There was laughter. I think I heard a car-wreck outside and I am pretty sure I saw one of the four horsemen of the apocolypse.
Why, sweet Graduate school, have you betrayed me?
This is EXACTLY how I feel: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cmi283C1_qE
Out here,
The BAMF
"Welcome Aboard"
Alright. By popular demand, I have moved my legendary blog from the shithole that is MySpace to this service. What can I say? I was tired of friend requests from 12 year old girls (or so they SAY they are) who want to "have a conversation". Yeah, enough of that.
Just a little update on lil' ol' me. Grad school. Thats right. I convinced the US Army NOT to send me overseas again...long enough to finish the ol' MBA. Then, I'll probably never see the United States of America again...but thats another story.
Oh yeah, and "G" got married. So, Graham and I made the pilgrimage to Mississippi as groomsmen. Needless to say, it was a riot. More to come about that too.
I'm the strange looking man on the right...
-The BAMF
Just a little update on lil' ol' me. Grad school. Thats right. I convinced the US Army NOT to send me overseas again...long enough to finish the ol' MBA. Then, I'll probably never see the United States of America again...but thats another story.
Oh yeah, and "G" got married. So, Graham and I made the pilgrimage to Mississippi as groomsmen. Needless to say, it was a riot. More to come about that too.
I'm the strange looking man on the right...-The BAMF
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