Homeland Security...with a little "Army twist"

Well, someone asked me about this incident at the bar last night so I decided to share with you guys.

Last summer, it was time for my unit to come home from Germany. Hooray.

My company consisted of 147 soldiers. Not exactly a small group. So, when we all have to travel together, the US Army usually charters a plane. But oh no, not this time...we get to fly AMERICAN AIRLINES.

Now, our trip to Germany was a DEPLOYMENT. Most of us went to Afghanistan, Iraq, Kuwait and all over the planet earth FROM our station in Germany. "What does a deployment mean?", you ask? Well, for starters, it means we travel fully clad with body armor, rifle, sidearm, etc.

On a chartered flight, no one cares...but we, the United States Army, were about to fly American Airlines. The night before we left for home, I was the only one who seemed somewhat concerned about this. Perhaps I was the only one sober enough to care. Oh well.

The morning arrives and we hop on the bus to Frankfurt. And they proceed to drop us off at the front door. Well, 147 ARMED US Soldiers tend to scare people. Everyone waiting around outside scattered. The airport had been invaded.

I checked my bag and the guy at the counter didn't even ask about my M-4 assault rifle or my M-9 Beretta 9mm sidearm. Sure, I must have been legit...

In a scene of pure hilarity, we went through security.

I shit you not people...they made ME take off my shoes. I have not one but TWO WEAPONS...and you think I am going to blow up my fucking boots? Right. Idiots.

We board the plane and much to my delight, most of the rear of the brand-spanking new Boeing 777 is occupied by all of us. Yay! Let the debauchery begin.

We stow our body armor and rifles in the overhead compartments. I decide to leave my sidearm in its nice "drop-leg holster" on my left thigh. No biggie. I throw on my iPod's headphones, finish my Jack and Coke, and try to get comfortable before we take off.

The pilot talks on the intercom. Tells everyone there is a company of Rangers/Sappers on board. People clap. I order another drink.

Then, it begins...a small child sits down next to me. He says "Hi mista". I know that accent. I open my eyes and there is a small middle-eastern boy in the seat next to me. Hmm. Now, its not HIM I am worried about, its his DAD that might concern me.

Just as I think this, I look up. There he is. Now, I do NOT "profile"...but you can tell when you are overseas who is friendly and who is not. This guy? NOT. He snatches his son out of his seats and actually called me "Infidel" under his breath. Wow.

I just smile and wave. I have a weapon.

My commander, a Captain, sits down next to me, with HIS drink in hand and we start talking. I point out the angry man and his happy child, and inform my captain that I'm an "Infidel". We laugh.

I take notice that there are about 5 or 6 angry looking middle eastern men on the plane. Who are these men? Why are they angry? Who knows. I don't. And I could care less. I'm about 12 hours from Memphis, TN and civilian clothes.

We take off (after a 2 HOUR delay) YAY. And I watch a movie...have a few more drinks...take a nap...eat....its pretty UNeventful. Now, this flight was in the middle of the night. We were actually going to land in Memphis AT 8AM.

About 2 something in the morning...I awake from a semi-drunken slumber in my seat. My CO is awake, reading some nerdy X-files book. I proceed to make fun of him. And then, it happens again.

IN UNISON...all of the middle eastern guys stand up and start jabbering in Arabic. (the "slow-motion" begins) The flight attendant locks eyes with me. My CO mutters a bad word that starts with f and ends with "fuckingshit". (one word)

At that very INSTANT...I hear about 147 seat belts unsnap themselves. Its an errie sound. Like "metallic popcorn of death." And instantly, the middle eastern men shut up...and sit down.

I ordered another drink, smile, and recline my seat.

"Make that 2 more drinks mam' "



-The BAMF