Well. As you all can probably tel. This whole blog thing has been kinda new for the ol' BAMF.
But I am stepping up my game.
This week I will be posting some WILD shit people.
I have been tapped to participate in a Combat Search, Evasion, and Rescue exercise with the 20th Special Forces Group.
What the hell is that you ask? Well, they are going to drop me someplace I am "unfamiliar with". I will have NO map. No GPS. Not even a compass. I will have all the standard combat gear an Army Ranger usually has, with one exception. NO rifle. I will, however, have a sidearm. It will be armed with "simunitions". Those mother-fuckers are REAL bullets with a plastic, paint-filled tip. All of you vaginas that play paintball...this is NOT for you.
I will have to make it to "safety" which will be some given point on planet earth...without being CAUGHT or KILLED. Now, they wont actually kill me. But those are GREEN BERETS people. They are GOOD at what they do. They will have RIFLES armed with simunition rounds. THey can engage me from 300+ METERS away. (Thats a LONG LONG LONG way people)
And here's the kicker.
Ol' BAMF is taking his camera. As in video. can I get a woot?
Stay tuned for details.
Lets hope I survive this.
Cheers,
-The BAMF
17 November 2008
11 November 2008
Veterans Day
In memory of the 12 who didn't make it back with me.
And those still there...
Never forgotten.
-The BAMF
07 November 2008
Someone out there thinks like I do.
Ok, I am not posting ANYTHING about the election. My Democratic friends, I congratulate you.
But someone sent this to me...and its too funny not to post.
I didn't write it...
BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maine-iac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine ]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America .
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
Oh, so funny.
For real. I'm done. We can all hold hands and sing songs now.
=)
-The BAMF
But someone sent this to me...and its too funny not to post.
I didn't write it...
BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH
The following 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maine-iac [a resident of the People's Republic of Maine ]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living.
The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America .
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
Oh, so funny.
For real. I'm done. We can all hold hands and sing songs now.
=)
-The BAMF
06 November 2008
28 October 2008
You silly Democrats...and Republicans. Wait, what?
Ok people. This "election fever" has driven me to the point of insanity.
I can't even just go to work without someone wanting to talk politics. I can't be in PUBLIC in my uniform without someone asking my opinion on who to vote for. TAKE NOTE PEOPLE. If we are IN uniform...WE CANNOT FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!
I'm sick of the news. FoxNews...you included. I'm sick of the commercials. Even the stupid local election ones. If you are running for Alderman...honestly, go fuck yourself. I don't care. Stop annoying me during my episode of House. Have fun arguing with the local school-board. I have real-world shit to deal with, like which socks to wear with my running shoes.
Look people. We are in not one, but 2...as in TWO, wars that are inter-connected in this whole Global War on Terrorism thing. The economy? It blows. Education? Don't get me started. Immigration? We might just start shooting folks. The list of issues is out of control. Its hard-times people.
And you know what? Barack Obama CANNOT fix it. John McCain (God I love him, but...) CANNOT fix it. Not overnight.
Work with me here people...
On November 4th, we get a new President. A new Commander-in-Chief for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. Guess what people?! On November 5th...NOTHING CHANGES!
If John McCain gets elected:
The terrorists will NOT just suddenly say? "You know what? I don't really WANT those 72 Virgins" and just go back to hearding goats. The budget won't balance itself. The national debt will not just reset itself to zero because another Republican is the President-elect. The Yankees will still suck at life. Osama bin Laden will still be in his damn cave in Pakistan. American children will still be half-retarded. And cancer will not magically cure itself.
If Barack Obama gets elected:
Michael Jackson will not just suddenly admit he likes little boys. The Mexicans won't just say..."Oh Fuck America...I LOVE Mexico. I think I'll stay here". Windows Vista won't just magically fix itself. The HIV virus will not run from mankind back into the rainforest. All the puppies in the pound won't magically get adopted. People will still be starving all over the planet. And no, OJ Simpson won't just say "Yeah, I killed that bitch...so what?!"
I know we all love our candidates. But come on people. I don't see Jesus on the ballot. (Or Buddha, or any other God-type figure)
Hunker down folks...its not going to instantly get better.
Oh, and don't be a shithead. VOTE.
-The BAMF
Oh...and there is NO WAY you can watch this all the way through and not die laughing.
Enjoy.
I can't even just go to work without someone wanting to talk politics. I can't be in PUBLIC in my uniform without someone asking my opinion on who to vote for. TAKE NOTE PEOPLE. If we are IN uniform...WE CANNOT FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!
I'm sick of the news. FoxNews...you included. I'm sick of the commercials. Even the stupid local election ones. If you are running for Alderman...honestly, go fuck yourself. I don't care. Stop annoying me during my episode of House. Have fun arguing with the local school-board. I have real-world shit to deal with, like which socks to wear with my running shoes.
Look people. We are in not one, but 2...as in TWO, wars that are inter-connected in this whole Global War on Terrorism thing. The economy? It blows. Education? Don't get me started. Immigration? We might just start shooting folks. The list of issues is out of control. Its hard-times people.
And you know what? Barack Obama CANNOT fix it. John McCain (God I love him, but...) CANNOT fix it. Not overnight.
Work with me here people...
On November 4th, we get a new President. A new Commander-in-Chief for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. Guess what people?! On November 5th...NOTHING CHANGES!
If John McCain gets elected:
The terrorists will NOT just suddenly say? "You know what? I don't really WANT those 72 Virgins" and just go back to hearding goats. The budget won't balance itself. The national debt will not just reset itself to zero because another Republican is the President-elect. The Yankees will still suck at life. Osama bin Laden will still be in his damn cave in Pakistan. American children will still be half-retarded. And cancer will not magically cure itself.
If Barack Obama gets elected:
Michael Jackson will not just suddenly admit he likes little boys. The Mexicans won't just say..."Oh Fuck America...I LOVE Mexico. I think I'll stay here". Windows Vista won't just magically fix itself. The HIV virus will not run from mankind back into the rainforest. All the puppies in the pound won't magically get adopted. People will still be starving all over the planet. And no, OJ Simpson won't just say "Yeah, I killed that bitch...so what?!"
I know we all love our candidates. But come on people. I don't see Jesus on the ballot. (Or Buddha, or any other God-type figure)
Hunker down folks...its not going to instantly get better.
Oh, and don't be a shithead. VOTE.
-The BAMF
Oh...and there is NO WAY you can watch this all the way through and not die laughing.
Enjoy.
22 October 2008
Tagged damnit...
Ok, my good friend Elle challenged all of us who read her blog to tell her 6 things she may not know about us.
Elle, you have known me since I was like 17. Ummm...none of this will be a newsflash for you.
The rest of you...yes I know I will probably burn in hell for some of these things.
So here we go...
1. I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head. Just get the hell out of my way. And NO, senior citizens are NOT exempt. Who the hell let you out of the nursing home?
2. I like Grey's Anatomy. There. I said it. No, I'm NOT gay..in fact, it was a certain lady-friend of mine who actually introduced me to the show. Now...I'm addicted. So there. Tell your friends a straight man does exist on planet earth who likes that show.
3. I'm from the "South"...but when compared to my friends...I DON'T have the southern accent. I know, I know...I don't know its possible. But I have a small one. I wish I had more of one...maybe the ladies would like it? Perhaps? In the meantime I blame education.
4. I almost joined the Air Force. Yes, yes. I said that too. I was researching what branch I wanted to join. And then it came to me. If I am going to DO this...damnit I am going to DO it. I'm not going to ride a desk (like 99% of the US Air Force) and I hate boats, so that ruled out the Navy. Marines are retarded. SO...Army it was. And I have loved every second of it. Even the whole getting shot part. What?
5. I'm quite domestic. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. My apartment is cleaner than anyone else I know. I blame my Mom. She taught me well.
6. I was a complete and total DORK until about 2001-2. Seriously. If you KNEW me in high school. Oh my. I was quite possibly one of the biggest dorks I knew. But hey, thats how I rolled.
There you go. Thats all I could come up with on short notice.
In the words of Dave Chapelle. "Its a celebration. Enjoy yourselves, bitches".
Out here,
the BAMF
Elle, you have known me since I was like 17. Ummm...none of this will be a newsflash for you.
The rest of you...yes I know I will probably burn in hell for some of these things.
So here we go...
1. I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head. Just get the hell out of my way. And NO, senior citizens are NOT exempt. Who the hell let you out of the nursing home?
2. I like Grey's Anatomy. There. I said it. No, I'm NOT gay..in fact, it was a certain lady-friend of mine who actually introduced me to the show. Now...I'm addicted. So there. Tell your friends a straight man does exist on planet earth who likes that show.
3. I'm from the "South"...but when compared to my friends...I DON'T have the southern accent. I know, I know...I don't know its possible. But I have a small one. I wish I had more of one...maybe the ladies would like it? Perhaps? In the meantime I blame education.
4. I almost joined the Air Force. Yes, yes. I said that too. I was researching what branch I wanted to join. And then it came to me. If I am going to DO this...damnit I am going to DO it. I'm not going to ride a desk (like 99% of the US Air Force) and I hate boats, so that ruled out the Navy. Marines are retarded. SO...Army it was. And I have loved every second of it. Even the whole getting shot part. What?
5. I'm quite domestic. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. My apartment is cleaner than anyone else I know. I blame my Mom. She taught me well.
6. I was a complete and total DORK until about 2001-2. Seriously. If you KNEW me in high school. Oh my. I was quite possibly one of the biggest dorks I knew. But hey, thats how I rolled.
There you go. Thats all I could come up with on short notice.
In the words of Dave Chapelle. "Its a celebration. Enjoy yourselves, bitches".
Out here,
the BAMF
Friday Night Chaos
Oh have I got a story for you people. I STILL (like 4 days later) cannot believe this actually happened to me.
So here we go...
The Set-up...
It was Friday night...and I wanted to (hold your breath) GO TO THE BAR. And it just so happens my favorite bar on planet earth is here. The Veranda. It makes me very, very happy. The owner is a personal friend of mine...several friends work there...I could not think of a better place to hang out.
I get all purdy...hop in my car about 8:30 PM and I start off down BlackJack Rd from my house towards the bar.
I only get about 2 miles (half-way there!) and the absolutely retarded happens...
A pedestrian gets hit by a mother fucking car. Right there in front of me. Boom.
And we are just talking...ow. This little Asian man got SMOKED by a Toyota 4 Runner.
Now, being in the Army...let's just say the ol' BAMF has had ALOT of medical training. Trauma is my thing people. SO, I just let the reflexes take over...swerve off the side of the road...jump out INTO fucking traffic..and before I know it...I'm the "first responder". In ANY OTHER PLACE but Mississippi, the story would end right here.
But ooooooooh no. Welcome to honky-town people. Here we go.
I slide onto the ground next to the victim. He's breathing and has a very strong pulse (hooray). But this man has a serious head-laceration and is bleeding all over the place. This is how my pants were destroyed. And he's out cold. Ater all, this guy introduced his face to the hood of the FourRunner and then to the pavement.
I'm concerned about spinal injury, so I DON'T move him. Duh. Now...all the sudden some douche-bag in an UnderArmor hoodie runs up next to me and identifies himself as an Air Force Medic. Hold the fucking press people. Guess what? The United States Air Force does not have "medics". They have some assorted medical jobs...dental technicians, maybe a few other here and there...but they do NOT have Medics. I mean...for what? Its the Air Force. When is the last time someone died from a papercut? And THEN he says "LETS ROLL HIM OVER!".
Now the BAMF bullshit card comes out. In my most "I will kill your fucking family"-voice I say...
"Get the fuck out of here kid. Thats the last thing I want to do right now, you could kill this guy. If you were actually a medic you would fucking know that. The next time you are going to lie and attempt to be a hero, at least get a fucking haircut so I might at least half-way believe you. Now get the fuck out of here."
He looked like I had torn the head off of his puppy dog right there in front of him. Needless to say, he promptly left the scene.
Before I can blink...the driver of the 4Runner is out of the car. This guy is EASILY 6'4" and 250 pounds. A BEAST of a man. And he is crying hysterically. Like a freaking 3 year old child. Whoa tiger.
Thankfully, 2 girls arrive on scene as well. One is dressed in head to toe black and the other in pink. They ask me what I can do to help. Its NIGHT, so chick in the black needs to be OUT of the road. I tell her to talk to the driver and calm him down. By this point he has called 911 and is STILL flipping his shit. Girl in the pink? Literally just STAND next to me. I am crouched in the middle of the road here...you get to play road cone. That way I don't become a victim.
The actual victim decides to wake up. I spin around, identify myself, and tell him NOT to move. All he can say is "Ok John." (Yes, that's my name) He doesn't speak the best English. Great...it gets better.
Now the ambulance drives up. Good news you say? Oh no no no. Enter the "toothless Mississippi Paramedics". Remember, the victim does not speak English.
One paramedic rushes to the victim, the other to me. I explain...and I quote...
"Hey, I'm an Army Medic. This guy is about 50 years old. Sustained a nasty head injury and has multiple lacerations on his face and scalp. I'm concerned about a neck injury. He may also have some other broken bones. I haven't moved him. He was unconscious when I arrived on scene...now he's awake and alert. He doesn't speak much English" (sounds professional right?)
The response...
(wildly honky accent) "Awlrighty then siiir. We gunna take realll nice care o'em."
I then noticed...forget the victim..THIS motherfucker doesn't have any teeth. Oh this is going to be great.
I turn around to see what his partner in crime is doing to the victim. He is SCREAMING at this poor asian man. Look, if someone doesn't speak English...YELLING at them in ENGLISH does not help your cause.
"Awwwlrighty siiir. I'm gunna put this here coller around yer neck. Its gunna keep yur neck bones real nice n' straight"
(Wow)
The victim looks at me in sheer panic. I just smile and give him a thumbs up. He says "Ok John"
The paramedic, oblivious to anything, says "No siiirreee, My names Earl..I'ma git you to a hospital"
"We're gunna strap ya to this here backboard. Its called a backboard. Its gonna keep yer back bones all nice too."
(Holy fucking shit. I am actually LAUGHING at this point)
I look down...I am COVERED in this old man's blood. Yay. So the Police arrive...take my statement, take my information, etc. And at least THEY were halfway competent.
I go home...tear off my pants. (Hey, it NEVER happens any other way) and change...and then go to the Veranda and proceed to get te-rarded. (thats WORSE than retarded)
Oh Friday nights in Mississippi...how I will miss you.
Out here,
the BAMF
So here we go...
The Set-up...
It was Friday night...and I wanted to (hold your breath) GO TO THE BAR. And it just so happens my favorite bar on planet earth is here. The Veranda. It makes me very, very happy. The owner is a personal friend of mine...several friends work there...I could not think of a better place to hang out.
I get all purdy...hop in my car about 8:30 PM and I start off down BlackJack Rd from my house towards the bar.
I only get about 2 miles (half-way there!) and the absolutely retarded happens...
A pedestrian gets hit by a mother fucking car. Right there in front of me. Boom.
And we are just talking...ow. This little Asian man got SMOKED by a Toyota 4 Runner.
Now, being in the Army...let's just say the ol' BAMF has had ALOT of medical training. Trauma is my thing people. SO, I just let the reflexes take over...swerve off the side of the road...jump out INTO fucking traffic..and before I know it...I'm the "first responder". In ANY OTHER PLACE but Mississippi, the story would end right here.
But ooooooooh no. Welcome to honky-town people. Here we go.
I slide onto the ground next to the victim. He's breathing and has a very strong pulse (hooray). But this man has a serious head-laceration and is bleeding all over the place. This is how my pants were destroyed. And he's out cold. Ater all, this guy introduced his face to the hood of the FourRunner and then to the pavement.
I'm concerned about spinal injury, so I DON'T move him. Duh. Now...all the sudden some douche-bag in an UnderArmor hoodie runs up next to me and identifies himself as an Air Force Medic. Hold the fucking press people. Guess what? The United States Air Force does not have "medics". They have some assorted medical jobs...dental technicians, maybe a few other here and there...but they do NOT have Medics. I mean...for what? Its the Air Force. When is the last time someone died from a papercut? And THEN he says "LETS ROLL HIM OVER!".
Now the BAMF bullshit card comes out. In my most "I will kill your fucking family"-voice I say...
"Get the fuck out of here kid. Thats the last thing I want to do right now, you could kill this guy. If you were actually a medic you would fucking know that. The next time you are going to lie and attempt to be a hero, at least get a fucking haircut so I might at least half-way believe you. Now get the fuck out of here."
He looked like I had torn the head off of his puppy dog right there in front of him. Needless to say, he promptly left the scene.
Before I can blink...the driver of the 4Runner is out of the car. This guy is EASILY 6'4" and 250 pounds. A BEAST of a man. And he is crying hysterically. Like a freaking 3 year old child. Whoa tiger.
Thankfully, 2 girls arrive on scene as well. One is dressed in head to toe black and the other in pink. They ask me what I can do to help. Its NIGHT, so chick in the black needs to be OUT of the road. I tell her to talk to the driver and calm him down. By this point he has called 911 and is STILL flipping his shit. Girl in the pink? Literally just STAND next to me. I am crouched in the middle of the road here...you get to play road cone. That way I don't become a victim.
The actual victim decides to wake up. I spin around, identify myself, and tell him NOT to move. All he can say is "Ok John." (Yes, that's my name) He doesn't speak the best English. Great...it gets better.
Now the ambulance drives up. Good news you say? Oh no no no. Enter the "toothless Mississippi Paramedics". Remember, the victim does not speak English.
One paramedic rushes to the victim, the other to me. I explain...and I quote...
"Hey, I'm an Army Medic. This guy is about 50 years old. Sustained a nasty head injury and has multiple lacerations on his face and scalp. I'm concerned about a neck injury. He may also have some other broken bones. I haven't moved him. He was unconscious when I arrived on scene...now he's awake and alert. He doesn't speak much English" (sounds professional right?)
The response...
(wildly honky accent) "Awlrighty then siiir. We gunna take realll nice care o'em."
I then noticed...forget the victim..THIS motherfucker doesn't have any teeth. Oh this is going to be great.
I turn around to see what his partner in crime is doing to the victim. He is SCREAMING at this poor asian man. Look, if someone doesn't speak English...YELLING at them in ENGLISH does not help your cause.
"Awwwlrighty siiir. I'm gunna put this here coller around yer neck. Its gunna keep yur neck bones real nice n' straight"
(Wow)
The victim looks at me in sheer panic. I just smile and give him a thumbs up. He says "Ok John"
The paramedic, oblivious to anything, says "No siiirreee, My names Earl..I'ma git you to a hospital"
"We're gunna strap ya to this here backboard. Its called a backboard. Its gonna keep yer back bones all nice too."
(Holy fucking shit. I am actually LAUGHING at this point)
I look down...I am COVERED in this old man's blood. Yay. So the Police arrive...take my statement, take my information, etc. And at least THEY were halfway competent.
I go home...tear off my pants. (Hey, it NEVER happens any other way) and change...and then go to the Veranda and proceed to get te-rarded. (thats WORSE than retarded)
Oh Friday nights in Mississippi...how I will miss you.
Out here,
the BAMF
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