Ok people. This "election fever" has driven me to the point of insanity.
I can't even just go to work without someone wanting to talk politics. I can't be in PUBLIC in my uniform without someone asking my opinion on who to vote for. TAKE NOTE PEOPLE. If we are IN uniform...WE CANNOT FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!
I'm sick of the news. FoxNews...you included. I'm sick of the commercials. Even the stupid local election ones. If you are running for Alderman...honestly, go fuck yourself. I don't care. Stop annoying me during my episode of House. Have fun arguing with the local school-board. I have real-world shit to deal with, like which socks to wear with my running shoes.
Look people. We are in not one, but 2...as in TWO, wars that are inter-connected in this whole Global War on Terrorism thing. The economy? It blows. Education? Don't get me started. Immigration? We might just start shooting folks. The list of issues is out of control. Its hard-times people.
And you know what? Barack Obama CANNOT fix it. John McCain (God I love him, but...) CANNOT fix it. Not overnight.
Work with me here people...
On November 4th, we get a new President. A new Commander-in-Chief for me. Hoo-fucking-ray. Guess what people?! On November 5th...NOTHING CHANGES!
If John McCain gets elected:
The terrorists will NOT just suddenly say? "You know what? I don't really WANT those 72 Virgins" and just go back to hearding goats. The budget won't balance itself. The national debt will not just reset itself to zero because another Republican is the President-elect. The Yankees will still suck at life. Osama bin Laden will still be in his damn cave in Pakistan. American children will still be half-retarded. And cancer will not magically cure itself.
If Barack Obama gets elected:
Michael Jackson will not just suddenly admit he likes little boys. The Mexicans won't just say..."Oh Fuck America...I LOVE Mexico. I think I'll stay here". Windows Vista won't just magically fix itself. The HIV virus will not run from mankind back into the rainforest. All the puppies in the pound won't magically get adopted. People will still be starving all over the planet. And no, OJ Simpson won't just say "Yeah, I killed that bitch...so what?!"
I know we all love our candidates. But come on people. I don't see Jesus on the ballot. (Or Buddha, or any other God-type figure)
Hunker down folks...its not going to instantly get better.
Oh, and don't be a shithead. VOTE.
-The BAMF
Oh...and there is NO WAY you can watch this all the way through and not die laughing.
Enjoy.
28 October 2008
22 October 2008
Tagged damnit...
Ok, my good friend Elle challenged all of us who read her blog to tell her 6 things she may not know about us.
Elle, you have known me since I was like 17. Ummm...none of this will be a newsflash for you.
The rest of you...yes I know I will probably burn in hell for some of these things.
So here we go...
1. I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head. Just get the hell out of my way. And NO, senior citizens are NOT exempt. Who the hell let you out of the nursing home?
2. I like Grey's Anatomy. There. I said it. No, I'm NOT gay..in fact, it was a certain lady-friend of mine who actually introduced me to the show. Now...I'm addicted. So there. Tell your friends a straight man does exist on planet earth who likes that show.
3. I'm from the "South"...but when compared to my friends...I DON'T have the southern accent. I know, I know...I don't know its possible. But I have a small one. I wish I had more of one...maybe the ladies would like it? Perhaps? In the meantime I blame education.
4. I almost joined the Air Force. Yes, yes. I said that too. I was researching what branch I wanted to join. And then it came to me. If I am going to DO this...damnit I am going to DO it. I'm not going to ride a desk (like 99% of the US Air Force) and I hate boats, so that ruled out the Navy. Marines are retarded. SO...Army it was. And I have loved every second of it. Even the whole getting shot part. What?
5. I'm quite domestic. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. My apartment is cleaner than anyone else I know. I blame my Mom. She taught me well.
6. I was a complete and total DORK until about 2001-2. Seriously. If you KNEW me in high school. Oh my. I was quite possibly one of the biggest dorks I knew. But hey, thats how I rolled.
There you go. Thats all I could come up with on short notice.
In the words of Dave Chapelle. "Its a celebration. Enjoy yourselves, bitches".
Out here,
the BAMF
Elle, you have known me since I was like 17. Ummm...none of this will be a newsflash for you.
The rest of you...yes I know I will probably burn in hell for some of these things.
So here we go...
1. I secretly want to punch slow-walking people in the back of the head. Just get the hell out of my way. And NO, senior citizens are NOT exempt. Who the hell let you out of the nursing home?
2. I like Grey's Anatomy. There. I said it. No, I'm NOT gay..in fact, it was a certain lady-friend of mine who actually introduced me to the show. Now...I'm addicted. So there. Tell your friends a straight man does exist on planet earth who likes that show.
3. I'm from the "South"...but when compared to my friends...I DON'T have the southern accent. I know, I know...I don't know its possible. But I have a small one. I wish I had more of one...maybe the ladies would like it? Perhaps? In the meantime I blame education.
4. I almost joined the Air Force. Yes, yes. I said that too. I was researching what branch I wanted to join. And then it came to me. If I am going to DO this...damnit I am going to DO it. I'm not going to ride a desk (like 99% of the US Air Force) and I hate boats, so that ruled out the Navy. Marines are retarded. SO...Army it was. And I have loved every second of it. Even the whole getting shot part. What?
5. I'm quite domestic. I cook. I clean. I do laundry. My apartment is cleaner than anyone else I know. I blame my Mom. She taught me well.
6. I was a complete and total DORK until about 2001-2. Seriously. If you KNEW me in high school. Oh my. I was quite possibly one of the biggest dorks I knew. But hey, thats how I rolled.
There you go. Thats all I could come up with on short notice.
In the words of Dave Chapelle. "Its a celebration. Enjoy yourselves, bitches".
Out here,
the BAMF
Friday Night Chaos
Oh have I got a story for you people. I STILL (like 4 days later) cannot believe this actually happened to me.
So here we go...
The Set-up...
It was Friday night...and I wanted to (hold your breath) GO TO THE BAR. And it just so happens my favorite bar on planet earth is here. The Veranda. It makes me very, very happy. The owner is a personal friend of mine...several friends work there...I could not think of a better place to hang out.
I get all purdy...hop in my car about 8:30 PM and I start off down BlackJack Rd from my house towards the bar.
I only get about 2 miles (half-way there!) and the absolutely retarded happens...
A pedestrian gets hit by a mother fucking car. Right there in front of me. Boom.
And we are just talking...ow. This little Asian man got SMOKED by a Toyota 4 Runner.
Now, being in the Army...let's just say the ol' BAMF has had ALOT of medical training. Trauma is my thing people. SO, I just let the reflexes take over...swerve off the side of the road...jump out INTO fucking traffic..and before I know it...I'm the "first responder". In ANY OTHER PLACE but Mississippi, the story would end right here.
But ooooooooh no. Welcome to honky-town people. Here we go.
I slide onto the ground next to the victim. He's breathing and has a very strong pulse (hooray). But this man has a serious head-laceration and is bleeding all over the place. This is how my pants were destroyed. And he's out cold. Ater all, this guy introduced his face to the hood of the FourRunner and then to the pavement.
I'm concerned about spinal injury, so I DON'T move him. Duh. Now...all the sudden some douche-bag in an UnderArmor hoodie runs up next to me and identifies himself as an Air Force Medic. Hold the fucking press people. Guess what? The United States Air Force does not have "medics". They have some assorted medical jobs...dental technicians, maybe a few other here and there...but they do NOT have Medics. I mean...for what? Its the Air Force. When is the last time someone died from a papercut? And THEN he says "LETS ROLL HIM OVER!".
Now the BAMF bullshit card comes out. In my most "I will kill your fucking family"-voice I say...
"Get the fuck out of here kid. Thats the last thing I want to do right now, you could kill this guy. If you were actually a medic you would fucking know that. The next time you are going to lie and attempt to be a hero, at least get a fucking haircut so I might at least half-way believe you. Now get the fuck out of here."
He looked like I had torn the head off of his puppy dog right there in front of him. Needless to say, he promptly left the scene.
Before I can blink...the driver of the 4Runner is out of the car. This guy is EASILY 6'4" and 250 pounds. A BEAST of a man. And he is crying hysterically. Like a freaking 3 year old child. Whoa tiger.
Thankfully, 2 girls arrive on scene as well. One is dressed in head to toe black and the other in pink. They ask me what I can do to help. Its NIGHT, so chick in the black needs to be OUT of the road. I tell her to talk to the driver and calm him down. By this point he has called 911 and is STILL flipping his shit. Girl in the pink? Literally just STAND next to me. I am crouched in the middle of the road here...you get to play road cone. That way I don't become a victim.
The actual victim decides to wake up. I spin around, identify myself, and tell him NOT to move. All he can say is "Ok John." (Yes, that's my name) He doesn't speak the best English. Great...it gets better.
Now the ambulance drives up. Good news you say? Oh no no no. Enter the "toothless Mississippi Paramedics". Remember, the victim does not speak English.
One paramedic rushes to the victim, the other to me. I explain...and I quote...
"Hey, I'm an Army Medic. This guy is about 50 years old. Sustained a nasty head injury and has multiple lacerations on his face and scalp. I'm concerned about a neck injury. He may also have some other broken bones. I haven't moved him. He was unconscious when I arrived on scene...now he's awake and alert. He doesn't speak much English" (sounds professional right?)
The response...
(wildly honky accent) "Awlrighty then siiir. We gunna take realll nice care o'em."
I then noticed...forget the victim..THIS motherfucker doesn't have any teeth. Oh this is going to be great.
I turn around to see what his partner in crime is doing to the victim. He is SCREAMING at this poor asian man. Look, if someone doesn't speak English...YELLING at them in ENGLISH does not help your cause.
"Awwwlrighty siiir. I'm gunna put this here coller around yer neck. Its gunna keep yur neck bones real nice n' straight"
(Wow)
The victim looks at me in sheer panic. I just smile and give him a thumbs up. He says "Ok John"
The paramedic, oblivious to anything, says "No siiirreee, My names Earl..I'ma git you to a hospital"
"We're gunna strap ya to this here backboard. Its called a backboard. Its gonna keep yer back bones all nice too."
(Holy fucking shit. I am actually LAUGHING at this point)
I look down...I am COVERED in this old man's blood. Yay. So the Police arrive...take my statement, take my information, etc. And at least THEY were halfway competent.
I go home...tear off my pants. (Hey, it NEVER happens any other way) and change...and then go to the Veranda and proceed to get te-rarded. (thats WORSE than retarded)
Oh Friday nights in Mississippi...how I will miss you.
Out here,
the BAMF
So here we go...
The Set-up...
It was Friday night...and I wanted to (hold your breath) GO TO THE BAR. And it just so happens my favorite bar on planet earth is here. The Veranda. It makes me very, very happy. The owner is a personal friend of mine...several friends work there...I could not think of a better place to hang out.
I get all purdy...hop in my car about 8:30 PM and I start off down BlackJack Rd from my house towards the bar.
I only get about 2 miles (half-way there!) and the absolutely retarded happens...
A pedestrian gets hit by a mother fucking car. Right there in front of me. Boom.
And we are just talking...ow. This little Asian man got SMOKED by a Toyota 4 Runner.
Now, being in the Army...let's just say the ol' BAMF has had ALOT of medical training. Trauma is my thing people. SO, I just let the reflexes take over...swerve off the side of the road...jump out INTO fucking traffic..and before I know it...I'm the "first responder". In ANY OTHER PLACE but Mississippi, the story would end right here.
But ooooooooh no. Welcome to honky-town people. Here we go.
I slide onto the ground next to the victim. He's breathing and has a very strong pulse (hooray). But this man has a serious head-laceration and is bleeding all over the place. This is how my pants were destroyed. And he's out cold. Ater all, this guy introduced his face to the hood of the FourRunner and then to the pavement.
I'm concerned about spinal injury, so I DON'T move him. Duh. Now...all the sudden some douche-bag in an UnderArmor hoodie runs up next to me and identifies himself as an Air Force Medic. Hold the fucking press people. Guess what? The United States Air Force does not have "medics". They have some assorted medical jobs...dental technicians, maybe a few other here and there...but they do NOT have Medics. I mean...for what? Its the Air Force. When is the last time someone died from a papercut? And THEN he says "LETS ROLL HIM OVER!".
Now the BAMF bullshit card comes out. In my most "I will kill your fucking family"-voice I say...
"Get the fuck out of here kid. Thats the last thing I want to do right now, you could kill this guy. If you were actually a medic you would fucking know that. The next time you are going to lie and attempt to be a hero, at least get a fucking haircut so I might at least half-way believe you. Now get the fuck out of here."
He looked like I had torn the head off of his puppy dog right there in front of him. Needless to say, he promptly left the scene.
Before I can blink...the driver of the 4Runner is out of the car. This guy is EASILY 6'4" and 250 pounds. A BEAST of a man. And he is crying hysterically. Like a freaking 3 year old child. Whoa tiger.
Thankfully, 2 girls arrive on scene as well. One is dressed in head to toe black and the other in pink. They ask me what I can do to help. Its NIGHT, so chick in the black needs to be OUT of the road. I tell her to talk to the driver and calm him down. By this point he has called 911 and is STILL flipping his shit. Girl in the pink? Literally just STAND next to me. I am crouched in the middle of the road here...you get to play road cone. That way I don't become a victim.
The actual victim decides to wake up. I spin around, identify myself, and tell him NOT to move. All he can say is "Ok John." (Yes, that's my name) He doesn't speak the best English. Great...it gets better.
Now the ambulance drives up. Good news you say? Oh no no no. Enter the "toothless Mississippi Paramedics". Remember, the victim does not speak English.
One paramedic rushes to the victim, the other to me. I explain...and I quote...
"Hey, I'm an Army Medic. This guy is about 50 years old. Sustained a nasty head injury and has multiple lacerations on his face and scalp. I'm concerned about a neck injury. He may also have some other broken bones. I haven't moved him. He was unconscious when I arrived on scene...now he's awake and alert. He doesn't speak much English" (sounds professional right?)
The response...
(wildly honky accent) "Awlrighty then siiir. We gunna take realll nice care o'em."
I then noticed...forget the victim..THIS motherfucker doesn't have any teeth. Oh this is going to be great.
I turn around to see what his partner in crime is doing to the victim. He is SCREAMING at this poor asian man. Look, if someone doesn't speak English...YELLING at them in ENGLISH does not help your cause.
"Awwwlrighty siiir. I'm gunna put this here coller around yer neck. Its gunna keep yur neck bones real nice n' straight"
(Wow)
The victim looks at me in sheer panic. I just smile and give him a thumbs up. He says "Ok John"
The paramedic, oblivious to anything, says "No siiirreee, My names Earl..I'ma git you to a hospital"
"We're gunna strap ya to this here backboard. Its called a backboard. Its gonna keep yer back bones all nice too."
(Holy fucking shit. I am actually LAUGHING at this point)
I look down...I am COVERED in this old man's blood. Yay. So the Police arrive...take my statement, take my information, etc. And at least THEY were halfway competent.
I go home...tear off my pants. (Hey, it NEVER happens any other way) and change...and then go to the Veranda and proceed to get te-rarded. (thats WORSE than retarded)
Oh Friday nights in Mississippi...how I will miss you.
Out here,
the BAMF
15 October 2008
November 4th...hurry up already.
Ok.
I watched the "final debate" tonight between Senator John McCain and ol' what's his name.
Now look. I'm a Republican. I make no apologies about that. And I honestly think there are a lot of wonderful Democrats in the world. Some of them happen to be my dear friends. But honestly guys...is Barack Obama the best you could come up with? Seriously?! Come on now. If HE is the best and brightest your party has to offer, that's like saying he won a gold medal at the Special Olympics...guess what...he's still fucking retarded.
In fact, I think on November 4th...if you have the ability to walk into that voting booth...and honestly press "Senator Barack Obama (D, IL)" for PRESIDENT. I think there should be a midget underneath that booth that punches you directly in the balls. (or for you women...I don't know...bites your toes or something generally awful)
I'm done ranting because I just realized I somehow mentioned retards, midgets, AND Barack Obama in one blog post. That is wild.
Out here,
The BAMF
I watched the "final debate" tonight between Senator John McCain and ol' what's his name.
Now look. I'm a Republican. I make no apologies about that. And I honestly think there are a lot of wonderful Democrats in the world. Some of them happen to be my dear friends. But honestly guys...is Barack Obama the best you could come up with? Seriously?! Come on now. If HE is the best and brightest your party has to offer, that's like saying he won a gold medal at the Special Olympics...guess what...he's still fucking retarded.
In fact, I think on November 4th...if you have the ability to walk into that voting booth...and honestly press "Senator Barack Obama (D, IL)" for PRESIDENT. I think there should be a midget underneath that booth that punches you directly in the balls. (or for you women...I don't know...bites your toes or something generally awful)
I'm done ranting because I just realized I somehow mentioned retards, midgets, AND Barack Obama in one blog post. That is wild.
Out here,
The BAMF
10 October 2008
So its almost Halloween....(evil laugh)
Well, its almost that time of the year. We all get dressed up...get drunk...and make a few bad decisions. Yes folks, Halloween.
And the most important question...."what are you going to be for Halloween?"
Well my friends, I've thought about A LOT of things...
Here's the initial list first:
1. Cole Trickle (From Days of Thunder)
Hey, Its the South and NASCAR just seems to fit. Oh, and its one of the worst movies ever made.
2. United States Air Force "Pilot"
If you are not in the military, you might not understand...but these guy are the biggest bags of douche on the planet. Please, when bullets are flyin' and people are dyin'....give me a NAVAL AVIATOR...not one of these Air Force goons...
3. Ole Miss student
Apparently the seer-sucker suit is back in style in Oxford. Too easy.
4. Tyrone the Crackhead
Chappelle's Show fans...come on now....time to bring Tyrone Biggums BACK
5. My Boss (In the Army)
Normally this would be a no-no...but considering I have LITERALLY done his job in his absence on more than one occasion...even he would laugh.
6. Bill O'Reilly
I would wear a suit and tie....get hammered drunk...and just yell at everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. It could get out of control.
And the winner is....
I got about 50 volunteers (lower ranking individuals..hahaha)...and here's our idea.
We are going as....(drumroll)
THE NETWORK.
Thats right Verizon people....YOU.
I am just going to dress normal. And have out my cell phone. Behind me will be my sidekick "weatherboy", dressed as the Verizon-guy. And with him will be a bunch of randomly dressed people. THe token guy with the hard-hat...maybe a business suit or two....but a LARGE crowd.
And then?....I am just going to walk around the party talking to people.
When they ask "What the fuck is that behind you?!" I get to say. "Oh, thats my network"
Cheers,
-The BAMF
And the most important question...."what are you going to be for Halloween?"
Well my friends, I've thought about A LOT of things...
Here's the initial list first:
1. Cole Trickle (From Days of Thunder)
Hey, Its the South and NASCAR just seems to fit. Oh, and its one of the worst movies ever made.
2. United States Air Force "Pilot"
If you are not in the military, you might not understand...but these guy are the biggest bags of douche on the planet. Please, when bullets are flyin' and people are dyin'....give me a NAVAL AVIATOR...not one of these Air Force goons...
3. Ole Miss student
Apparently the seer-sucker suit is back in style in Oxford. Too easy.
4. Tyrone the Crackhead
Chappelle's Show fans...come on now....time to bring Tyrone Biggums BACK
5. My Boss (In the Army)
Normally this would be a no-no...but considering I have LITERALLY done his job in his absence on more than one occasion...even he would laugh.
6. Bill O'Reilly
I would wear a suit and tie....get hammered drunk...and just yell at everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. It could get out of control.
And the winner is....
I got about 50 volunteers (lower ranking individuals..hahaha)...and here's our idea.
We are going as....(drumroll)
THE NETWORK.
Thats right Verizon people....YOU.
I am just going to dress normal. And have out my cell phone. Behind me will be my sidekick "weatherboy", dressed as the Verizon-guy. And with him will be a bunch of randomly dressed people. THe token guy with the hard-hat...maybe a business suit or two....but a LARGE crowd.
And then?....I am just going to walk around the party talking to people.
When they ask "What the fuck is that behind you?!" I get to say. "Oh, thats my network"
Cheers,
-The BAMF
02 October 2008
The VP debacle...I mean debate.
Oh my goodness.
I just finished watching the VP debate tonight...and I don't know if I want to throw up or maybe just have a fucking seizure.
Look, its not exactly a mystery that I am a Republican. That being said...I don't exactly know what the hell happened tonight. Really. It was like watching two kids with Down-Syndrome beat the shit out of each other on the playground. I did not want to watch...but I could not turn away.
Ok, lets talk Biden first. He's too easy. Like I said, I'm a Republican...I hated this douche by default. As one of my friends put it, "he looks like some evil character off of Veggie-Tales". Wow.
Ok Joe..there's left-wing..and then there is "whoa homie...you are off the map Tiger Woods" Come on back Joe. I think you have good intentions...you are just a crazy old fuck. I won't even talk about you anymore. Its TOO easy...
And on to Govenor Sarah Palin. First of all, I want to like you. Heck, you are kind of a "cougar" for a VP candidate. But damnit...your voice. AHHHHHHHHHHH. You sound like some yankee high school guidance counselor. It freaks me out. I halfway expect you to tell me I need to "apply myself in class" and "fill out my college applications soon."
There was one point were I just screamed at my TV like a crazy man. Just because you were talking.
Your voice...it hurts my soul.
The ONLY thing that made me survive that television experince was my friend Elle. She kept me laughing via Facebook. Elle, thank you. You saved me from throwing a large object THROUGH my very expensive TV.
People, don't be discouraged...I'm still voting for McCain...but damnit...Sarah, sweetheart...get your shit together...and maybe see a Speech Therapist...or better yet have an exorcism. And please..give me my sould back.
Out here,
-The BAMF
I just finished watching the VP debate tonight...and I don't know if I want to throw up or maybe just have a fucking seizure.
Look, its not exactly a mystery that I am a Republican. That being said...I don't exactly know what the hell happened tonight. Really. It was like watching two kids with Down-Syndrome beat the shit out of each other on the playground. I did not want to watch...but I could not turn away.
Ok, lets talk Biden first. He's too easy. Like I said, I'm a Republican...I hated this douche by default. As one of my friends put it, "he looks like some evil character off of Veggie-Tales". Wow.
Ok Joe..there's left-wing..and then there is "whoa homie...you are off the map Tiger Woods" Come on back Joe. I think you have good intentions...you are just a crazy old fuck. I won't even talk about you anymore. Its TOO easy...
And on to Govenor Sarah Palin. First of all, I want to like you. Heck, you are kind of a "cougar" for a VP candidate. But damnit...your voice. AHHHHHHHHHHH. You sound like some yankee high school guidance counselor. It freaks me out. I halfway expect you to tell me I need to "apply myself in class" and "fill out my college applications soon."
There was one point were I just screamed at my TV like a crazy man. Just because you were talking.
Your voice...it hurts my soul.
The ONLY thing that made me survive that television experince was my friend Elle. She kept me laughing via Facebook. Elle, thank you. You saved me from throwing a large object THROUGH my very expensive TV.
People, don't be discouraged...I'm still voting for McCain...but damnit...Sarah, sweetheart...get your shit together...and maybe see a Speech Therapist...or better yet have an exorcism. And please..give me my sould back.
Out here,
-The BAMF
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
