Homeland Security...with a little "Army twist"

Well, someone asked me about this incident at the bar last night so I decided to share with you guys.

Last summer, it was time for my unit to come home from Germany. Hooray.

My company consisted of 147 soldiers. Not exactly a small group. So, when we all have to travel together, the US Army usually charters a plane. But oh no, not this time...we get to fly AMERICAN AIRLINES.

Now, our trip to Germany was a DEPLOYMENT. Most of us went to Afghanistan, Iraq, Kuwait and all over the planet earth FROM our station in Germany. "What does a deployment mean?", you ask? Well, for starters, it means we travel fully clad with body armor, rifle, sidearm, etc.

On a chartered flight, no one cares...but we, the United States Army, were about to fly American Airlines. The night before we left for home, I was the only one who seemed somewhat concerned about this. Perhaps I was the only one sober enough to care. Oh well.

The morning arrives and we hop on the bus to Frankfurt. And they proceed to drop us off at the front door. Well, 147 ARMED US Soldiers tend to scare people. Everyone waiting around outside scattered. The airport had been invaded.

I checked my bag and the guy at the counter didn't even ask about my M-4 assault rifle or my M-9 Beretta 9mm sidearm. Sure, I must have been legit...

In a scene of pure hilarity, we went through security.

I shit you not people...they made ME take off my shoes. I have not one but TWO WEAPONS...and you think I am going to blow up my fucking boots? Right. Idiots.

We board the plane and much to my delight, most of the rear of the brand-spanking new Boeing 777 is occupied by all of us. Yay! Let the debauchery begin.

We stow our body armor and rifles in the overhead compartments. I decide to leave my sidearm in its nice "drop-leg holster" on my left thigh. No biggie. I throw on my iPod's headphones, finish my Jack and Coke, and try to get comfortable before we take off.

The pilot talks on the intercom. Tells everyone there is a company of Rangers/Sappers on board. People clap. I order another drink.

Then, it begins...a small child sits down next to me. He says "Hi mista". I know that accent. I open my eyes and there is a small middle-eastern boy in the seat next to me. Hmm. Now, its not HIM I am worried about, its his DAD that might concern me.

Just as I think this, I look up. There he is. Now, I do NOT "profile"...but you can tell when you are overseas who is friendly and who is not. This guy? NOT. He snatches his son out of his seats and actually called me "Infidel" under his breath. Wow.

I just smile and wave. I have a weapon.

My commander, a Captain, sits down next to me, with HIS drink in hand and we start talking. I point out the angry man and his happy child, and inform my captain that I'm an "Infidel". We laugh.

I take notice that there are about 5 or 6 angry looking middle eastern men on the plane. Who are these men? Why are they angry? Who knows. I don't. And I could care less. I'm about 12 hours from Memphis, TN and civilian clothes.

We take off (after a 2 HOUR delay) YAY. And I watch a movie...have a few more drinks...take a nap...eat....its pretty UNeventful. Now, this flight was in the middle of the night. We were actually going to land in Memphis AT 8AM.

About 2 something in the morning...I awake from a semi-drunken slumber in my seat. My CO is awake, reading some nerdy X-files book. I proceed to make fun of him. And then, it happens again.

IN UNISON...all of the middle eastern guys stand up and start jabbering in Arabic. (the "slow-motion" begins) The flight attendant locks eyes with me. My CO mutters a bad word that starts with f and ends with "fuckingshit". (one word)

At that very INSTANT...I hear about 147 seat belts unsnap themselves. Its an errie sound. Like "metallic popcorn of death." And instantly, the middle eastern men shut up...and sit down.

I ordered another drink, smile, and recline my seat.

"Make that 2 more drinks mam' "



-The BAMF

Oh Obama...

Well...politics is a dangerous area for me to even dare comment. I'm an "army-guy"...so forgive me if I usually identify with the Republican party.

Barack Obama just gave his cute little speech in Berlin, and I actually watched the entire thing on FoxNews. I have to hand it to him...John McCain probably agreed with about 85% of the speech he gave. It was pretty neutral. He managed to "blur the lines", as some strange political analyst stated, between himself and Sen. McCain.

I was rather proud. It was almost amazed to see, for the first time in a long, long time, an AMERICAN politician giving a speech to 10,000+ GERMANS...and THEY LOVED IT. Obama actually had me smiling as I consumed my lunch of the "always delicious" Taco Bell....and then it happened...

"At times, we have failed to keep the promise of liberty..." Whoa. Wait. Back up. Screeeeech. Please Senator Fuckstick, how have we done THAT? I just spent 2 YEARS of my life overseas, serving my country, SPREADING DEMOCRACY. We did the right thing in Iraq and Afghanistan. We are GIVING those countries the gift of FREEDOM. Freedom from oppression, tyranny, and genocide (yes, genocide kids...it happened in IRAQ). So, Obama...did the 4,000+ of my brothers who have DIED in combat, fail to keep the promise of liberty?

I want everyone's attention here....

***Obama, if I ever see you in person, I am going to punch you in the dick.***

Quite frankly...Fuck you.

-The BAMF

"Ed-ju-ma-ca-shun"

Wow. Grad school has already mystified me. Look, I would NEVER insult anyone's intelligence...well, until today.

Our class, as with most grad school classes, is mostly just a forum for debating, yelling, screaming, ranting, and the occasional threat of physical violence. But, please...someone tell me why I was subjected to what I saw today.

We are in school, getting MASTER's degrees people...not exactly community college. At a GREAT school too. I used to have faith in the edjucation system...and then "it" happened.

She walked in wearing her sorority t-shirt, flip-flops and rocking out to some god-awful shit on her iPod. She looked the part of typical "sorostitute". But this is grad school...she has to be half-way intelligent right? Oh you are so wrong.

Our professor was leading us in a rather spirited discussion about professional ethics, etc...and then it happened. She stopped the professor mid-sentence and said....and I quote...

"Ummmm...you've been saying this all class and I don't know what it means...but...what exactly is a CEO of a company?....I don't get it."

I choked on my coffee. The football player next to me muttered something under his breath. The professors eyes rolled into the back of his head. There was laughter. I think I heard a car-wreck outside and I am pretty sure I saw one of the four horsemen of the apocolypse.

Why, sweet Graduate school, have you betrayed me?

This is EXACTLY how I feel: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cmi283C1_qE


Out here,

The BAMF

"Welcome Aboard"

Alright. By popular demand, I have moved my legendary blog from the shithole that is MySpace to this service. What can I say? I was tired of friend requests from 12 year old girls (or so they SAY they are) who want to "have a conversation". Yeah, enough of that.

Just a little update on lil' ol' me. Grad school. Thats right. I convinced the US Army NOT to send me overseas again...long enough to finish the ol' MBA. Then, I'll probably never see the United States of America again...but thats another story.


Oh yeah, and "G" got married. So, Graham and I made the pilgrimage to Mississippi as groomsmen. Needless to say, it was a riot. More to come about that too.

I'm the strange looking man on the right...

-The BAMF